Only Tabby and Nando home with me last night, I had Grandma to babysit and I thought about kicking up my heels, painting the town red, go out dancing all night long.
Instead, being such a hermit, I went to sleep before 9:30...because I could.
Elizabeth and Brian bringing home Martin and Allen back home for me from Forward, as they have to work today, Brian locking the gate behind him for me. Oh my goodness, manna from Heaven for this ole hag who usually has to do everything around here.
"You need to find some place in your heart to let go of everything negative," my mom broached yesterday with me, "Just remember that all this hate and negativity dumped out on you came from those who just didn't know any better."
This is how I'd explained it all to Grandma and Grandpa when they moved in here 11 years ago, finding themselves absolutely appalled at the issues I dealt with each day. Back then Dr G made regular house calls, in home therapy every Friday, I've been blessed with the best. I'd have been lost without all the help I've received.
I know I'm now very damaged, I know I'm working to heal from within, I know I'll get there, on the other side where folks are nice to other human beings.
I'm way better now than I was several years ago when I grew that huge tumor from stress and terror.
I got out of the shower last night, glimpsing that long scar where they gutted me to remove it all, another scar from the hernia surgery, this is what past middle age looks like and I'm fine with it, my late sister never got the opportunity to wrinkle up.
Today my sweet, loving Jack turns 12. When Grandma and Grandpa moved in he was a baby and I still worked in the school system so they babysat him for me, setting the stage for what we have now, a wonderful pre-teen totally devoted to his grandparents, still deeply sad over losing Grandpa, but he did participate in grief therapy provided by hospice back then.
Today my BFF for 44 years, Barbara, arrives. Like Claudia I keep all my old friends in my heart forever, remnants of our Brownie days, right? Words that make my brown kids crack up. "Ha ha! Mom's brown too."
I have two longtime friends here in Athens, Janet for 35 years and Emily for close to 25 years now. Then there's Alison who sang at Grandpa's funeral, I met her before my first birthday there in the church nursery before I could even walk. My high school friends, Dottie, Patti, Debby and others, that's been 40 something years too.
Now I stumble and bumble along, trying to figure this world out the best I can.
I'm also constantly asked, "Do you think you'll ever marry again?"
No, I don't. I'm not a great catch. I also don't want to baby anyone emotionally, don't want anyone depending on me so heavily, I'm tired.
"Aren't you gonna adopt again?" I'm asked weekly at least.
The answer is No.
I'm moving on.