Monday, April 02, 2012
Me Letting Go
Another word on disengaging, several of y'all commented that you had a kid or so in which this wasn't an option, and I completely understand. It was most decidedly not an option for several of my children as they would destructively up the ante, ragefully ratchet their behavior into the realm of violence, breaking a window or attacking another child, thus forcing me to engage.
I remain buffaloed over those behaviors, usually indicative of needing a level of care and supervision that requires intensive therapeutic help - a situation becoming more and more difficult to obtain anymore what with budgetary constraints.
In my case, disengaging with those that are nonviolent, yet wildly confrontational or completely oppositional, has been a breakthrough - mainly for my own emotional health. I was making no progress by engaging in fruitless discussions or attempts to turn the tide.
I have a teenager here that will do no chores, indeed he'll fall apart, nearly crying, balking to the nth degree, screaming and throwing things if I push the task issue that all normal teenagers would do easily. That I'd made no progress with his siblings, that none of them grew up to be exemplary workhorses, clearly reminds me that engaging had been totally pointless, that I'd have ben better off back then using disengagement practices.
That he is not violent nor dangerous allows me to disengage with ease, to continue doing for him as he simply will not ever do so for himself, he's manipulative enough that I'm fairly certain he'll con folks out of what he wants as he grows older, I've watched his brothers often do the same, hapless women in their wake. Really young ladies? You are attracted to the unemployed?
I'm not God. I can't change deeply entrenched personalities and genetic predispositions. I find it best that I do know my limitations.
I'll keep trying, I'll keep explaining and showing them a different, better way to live, but I won't argue about it, nor force the issue, as engaging only stirs up their own desire to do battle, leaving no victors at all.
And y'all know how much I love learning from studies, when all the information has been analyzed, and the results published. These are facts, right? Yeah boy and it's how I learn, yet when I try and explain this to those who won't listen, won't learn, won't change, they are deeply unmoved by the evidence, leaving me massively frustrated and fairly certain they are absolutely unteachable.
What I had to learn was that I could impart information to them, but I best not push the issue. Let it go, Cindy, you've done what you could do, now it's on them, otherwise I'm just an idiotic rabid control feak Who Must Be Heard And Acknowledged. Let it go.
We'd had a lovely Sunday. Other than JoJo comically falling asleep in church, another reason I prefer the back rows, and at least he's not causing problems when he sleeps, we'd had a good service. Gina, Marcela, Marissa, Fabian, Big Joe, Alyssa and a third grade friend of hers all dropped by during the very warm afternoon. Sweet Chuck fixing Grandma's kitchen faucet.
We got some more areas mowed until the lawnmower's air filter clogged terribly, I continued planting and built two more permaculture beds, and received sad news that my brother, Gary's beloved family dog Savannah had passed away. Y'all know how much I treasure our dogs, it's so easy to become deeply attached to devoted canines.
This is what my pastor sees as he's preaching. At least this clown isn't acting up, leaving Preston with little choice but to take him to the nursery so the rest of the congregation isn't distracted by his antics. I don't fight him on what he wears either, knowing it'd just result in none of us getting to go to church. It is what it is, I've learned to live with it because it isn't a safety issue. I take comfort in that after so many years of living with extremely violent ones.