This photo of Martin has nothing to do with this post. He's a great kid, nearly 17, here at Daniel's graduation this week.
I think The Adoption Counselor explained exactly the massively deep frustration that I've been caterwauling about all month. I'm just so entirely exasperated and I'm gonna go church lady here on everyone. If we simply all followed The Golden Rule, nothing else, believe in whatever Higher Being floats your boat, most problems would be greatly eased. At the moment I just cannot even bear to counsel anyone through the consequences of their bone-headed choices.
So naturally and conversely, Claudia wrote of the relationship versus the behaviors...and I still find myself unmoved to some degree, so freaking tired of the relentlessness of criminal minds.
I can, and do, forgive, but I also must remove myself and my family from situations for safety reasons and for self-preservation.
I'd spoken to my original adoption caseworker, the one who has either directly or indirectly supervised almost all of my adoptions, the one who knows all of the episodes here, all of the stuff I don't blog, because I totally trust her judgement and advice, she's often the only one, besides Sarah and Yolie, I absolutely will confide in.
"Am I being too harsh?" I'd asked, as we spoke of my inability to even begin to want to participate in the crappy shenanigans I see exploding in the lives of some grown kids.
"No, I don't think so," she'd replied, having been through more than her own fair share of horrible onslaughts, as she's an adoptive parent also. The last 20 plus years of this have taken a toll on both of our emotional and physical health, something I'd have scoffed at years ago. "Not me" I might've crowed, unable to comprehend the torment and shocking victimization that would follow my clearly called-by-God decision to adopt older children with some incredibly severe mental health issues.
Last night was calm, this morning I'd hope to haul manure to finish Grandma's gardens, but it's raining and too cold. I did get two hours to myself yesterday afternoon, pulling weeds out back, grinning at the fat earthworms I'd seen, loving the amazing texture of the soil that I've amended for nearly 20 years here, and turning over some soil, happy and content to be doing what I so dearly love, my hens clucking, and some dogs sprawled in the warm sunshine.
I only have three children not involved in either the middle or high school youth group, so last night's Christmas Party and Bonfire took 11 kids and kept 'em busy and happy. Next year even my sweet Jack'll be in Youth Group.
I'm hardly mentioning Christmas at all, knowing the Holiday Hell season that I've endured too many times over the years. I have low key plans and a deep desire for peace during this season.
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4 comments:
don't ever apologize for truth in emotion. I'm only parenting three, and of those three only two are challenged and still, I feel blindsided by the rawness and debilitating realities of mental illness.
i think it comes down to God knowing each of us individually and what each of us is able to endure (or not endure) for His glory. Which still sucks eggs on good days but gives me comfort on the days I think well gosh, that broad over there is doing such amazing stuff and holding her head high and me? I'm a bawling idjit
just because you are God's child and because that's all the reason I need, I love you.
No, you are not being too harsh. You put it perfectly-you forgive, you just have to remove yourself and protect your other children from the poor choices of others.
I wrote to you 2 years ago about my son whose fiance' was causing our family incredible distress. She turned us into cps, she uninvited us to their wedding and I was an emotionally basket case. I forgave her because she was such a damaged, wounded girl and I could see that, in spite of her horrible behavior. I, however, could not trust her because she never once admitted she'd done anything wrong. She wanted to pretend everything was fine - and I'm REALLY bad at that. I couldn't expose my under-18 kids to that kind of dysfunction. I understood that my son loved her and wanted to save her - he was all she had and we'd all be fine without him in his thinking. We suspected she had borderline personality disorder - but had no proof of that, nor could we suggest it, since we were no longer in their lives. Well, two weeks ago my son came over and told me that his wife had committed suicide the day before.....I was (am) devastated by this. I asked if she'd ever gotten a dx of her mental health (we knew she took meds for depression and anxiety) and he said....borderline personality disorder. Go figure. Now, she could have been a part of our lives for the past few years and maybe it would have made a difference - or maybe not. It wasn't an option for us. No matter what she did to our family, she was still someone's baby girl and she was loved by many - her life mattered and she shouldn't have died at 21. Yeah, mental illness sucks - it's like a bottomless hole trying to suck in everything around it-and it's way too successful.
My almost 18 yo dd has just been dx'd with borderline personality disorder and it feels like this suicide is just the beginning of our future torment.
Stick to your convictions - you can still love the person, even if they can't be around you. You seem like the type of person who makes it very clear what you stand for and what you won't tolerate - no crime there.
Lisa, I'm stunned, of course by all this. I totally remember us talking about it back then, being turned into CPS is something that way too many of us have experienced, this maliciousness is shocking and unacceptable. And suicide? The 'ultimate act of selfishness' is what I've read about it, in that it leaves everyone behind with some terrible and undeserved guilt to bear. And you are exactly right in describing her as somebody's baby girl. I'm glad you'd already forgiven her, I, too, have forgiven the Hell that's been dished out upon us. But now, there's your son who must be grappling and overwhelmed, he being too young and inexperienced to have any comprehension of how to keep on keeping on. And another diagnosis of BPD? BTDT, it is terribly difficult BUT the good news is that it lessens in severity over time, over many, many years.
I'm very, very sorry that your family has been through this suicide, I wish I had better words of comfort, knowledge or reassurance, but this is such a devastating event, that words almost seem futile.
Intehgrity Singer - Any of us only parenting one child with a mental illness is crushing enough. When I can be mature about it, I try and remember how awful it must be for that person that is raging against us, so totally undone by their own behaviors. But then, we also have to protect our own emotional health in order to be of any good to anyone.
And again, y'all's prayers and emotional support down in the trenches with me means the world to me and I share (and return) in the love too.
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