Monday, January 11, 2010
Off Base Again and Again
Really y'all, am I that far off base?
I'd fussed hard at JoJo yesterday afternoon for harassing Nando, bullying behavior that only the very insecure participate in, that frustrated an intelligent kid like my 8 year old. JoJo blew up at me and ran away.
I did not follow him.
Within 20 or so minutes he was back home, told me he'd considered going to "chillax," a word I can barely tolerate as it designates horribly lazy behavior. What on earth would he need to relax from? Lazy to the core, never lifting a finger, mean and irritable, he chillaxs 24-7. His intended destination was the home that had recently harbored a runaway, not at all comprehending that it was against the law to do so.
"Well I'll report it as a probation violation if you even step foot on property where you are encouraged to break the law," I responded, knowing that wouldn't bother him at all, but feeling it was important to remind him.
Dr. Mandy reminded me that when I explain to the children, "If you don't get an education, you'll end up with a low paying job for life, eliminating good housing options," my children only hear, "I think you're gonna fail."
What the heck?
Then how can I explain the 'if then, then this' will occur in life?
I know she's right, because I've seen it time and time again.
So if I engage logically, there'll still be negativity. No matter which way I go, the blatant bad attitudes prevail? Since I also have no defense against lying and liars, nearly every therapy session is embellished, by the troubled kids, from versions of stories that should've been 'good parenting' to 'she this or that,' as if all their early childhood trauma was totally my fault.
No wonder I physically work so hard, trying to shake off the abject frustration.
I also know that, just like Daniel, I've accidentally set the bar too high. Because I do work my butt off, they feel as if they'd never be able to do so. They know they'll never excel, as Daniel has done, so they tend to simmer in their own mediocrity, no wait, that'd be a step up.
I continue to function under massively difficult circumstances, no matter what, I honestly feel there'll be a pay off someday, if only in the form of when this is finished, I'll treasure each peaceful, bliss-laden moment in which no one is busting holes in the walls.
Everyone behaved perfectly fine at church yesterday, maybe this early service time is a bonus, in that they're still too somnolent to act out? Again I scurried in quickly, almost overwhelmed by the sight of so many normal people, stopping to hug Tracy and Beth, that's it for my social life other than my allotted ten minute Facebook break, home again, home again jiggety jig.
Another kid turns 18 today, second one in just several weeks, neither of them have been very good to me, even as simply a human being would deserve a bit of decency. Oh well.
I did what was asked of me, in spite of some traumatic uphill battles. I feel no victory, nor satisfaction, at this point, in that neither of them have overcome any ummmm whatevers. My survival has been accomplished however.
My biggest victory has been the elimination of our second trash can. I'd abandoned recycling for probably a 15 year time period, and I feel very guilty 'bout that. Now having picked it up again with gusto, I've truly reduced our outflow by more than 50%. I take my victories where I can. This simple victory was easy for me to accomplish versus the irrationalities I face each day at home.