Would I Rather Have Had...?

Who lined up the peppers or took a picture of them I don't know, maybe this is what they ate before I noticed they were already gone.

I'd recently used this photo of Jose's last rage at home, Vanessa'd taken it after we'd somehow gotten him in the van to get to the hospital's psychiatric sixth floor. It's not called that anymore, it doesn't even exist as this particular hospital has upgraded so much. Like most other psychiatric services, these too have evaporated.

I was thinking about Sarah and her new baby, her so very easy delivery in the exact same room that she'd lost Bailey in nearly two years ago. It was the first day waning of the the full moon, the hospital was packed, her doctor delivered six babies that day and Sarah birthed Hazel Bay easily in a hospital bed, no stirrups, no delivery table, little pain and hardly any pushing. It seemed full circle for us. Again it was Edith, George, Preston and I, the same ones who'd grieved so hard when Bailey passed away, now holding Hazel Bay and feeling such profound happiness.

Years and years ago when I'd had Sarah, also in a Catholic hospital, along with her father who was here this week, having to leave the day before Hazel was born...I'd used no medications, had natural childbirth at barely 19 and had made a life-altering decision then to adopt my next child.

I'd raised Sarah on a single schoolteacher's salary, in the 1970s I hardly brought home $500 a month and her Montessori school tuition was $100 a month, we had zero extra income. We also, thankfully, had no credit cards and somehow we made it work, both of us growing up so non-materialistically which has carried over into Sarah's life all these years later.

She was such an easy, non-demanding child to raise, always satisfied with library books and country living. She married a similar man and they're living as I raised her, nonmaterialistically in a staggeringly beautiful house they renovated out in the country with scrounged materials, still reading tons of books and faithfully attending church. Now with two beautiful children, all I ever wanted for her continues to evolve.

Somehow back then, in our very lean years, but by the 1980s I was making more money, we'd bought a house and I remember she so wanted a Member's Only jacket that we did get for her. Always fighting to keep our bills low, I remember a $9 electric bill at one point as we were using a woodstove. I'm still using the same 'found' bricks to line my raised garden beds that I used 30 years ago on the other side of this county.

Fast forwards to now...still scrounging and counting kilowatt hours, shopping at yard sales and going through bags of clothes that have been given to us, but I'm still very satisfied with what would seem to others like a hard-scrabble life. It has taken some back-breakingly hard work and tough sacrifices, but it's so been worth it. Would I rather have had nice cars, designer clothes and new furniture or 39 children and 16 grandchildren?

Duh.

A Comforting Thought

From The Vent: My Braves may not make the playoffs, but I’ll sleep better this winter knowing THE METS WON’T EITHER!

Soccer Saturdays

I hate to admit, to concede the obvious, or even to email Dr G and let him know he has the better team, but at this point it ain't even mathematically possible with a miracle for the Braves to get into the playoffs. It galls me to become a Phillies fan but I will watch, or sorta listen to, the division series and all the games in October.

Another six hours of soccer today, no time for yard sales, and a list a mile long of stuff I'm way behind on for the day today. Still picking and eating from the garden, again it's the mulch that has saved so much precious moisture in the soil. A few more watermelons still to come, and a lot of peppers

Sarah comes home from the hospital today with Hazel Bay and the kids get Fall Break starting the middle of next week, a five day stretch of being home which suits me as we have so much we need to get caught up with around here.

At some point I'll need to drive three hours to Rome, Georgia to get Jose and take him a couple of hours south of there for his psychiatric program. It's the same place that a daughter of mine spent several years, they have an excellent reputation, and either he'll progress there or not, depending on the severity of his issues, something I'm not qualified to either diagnose nor maintain.

Even Good News Stirs Stuff Up

Jack and Nando, pictured here on the first day Nando ever went to official soccer practice, are pretty good friends and brothers. It was Nando who comforted Ray last night when he wanted his mama Sarah.

But in my traumatized children's minds, even good news can send one into a tailspin. The birth of a baby can spark irrational thoughts of, "Maybe Mama doesn't need me anymore now that there's a new baby,". This is what FEAR is - False Expectations Appearing Real.

This morning Nando went into a RAGE, a very comfortable emotion for a traumatized, frustrated child with few emotional coping skills. He got in the van to go to school barefoot and screaming at the top of his lungs so I was distracted and backed into my own truck hard. Cwap.

BUT the state expediter who gets to work at the crack of dawn, knew I was up early and called me with some great news before daybreak...Jose's funding has been approved.

Sometimes in my family's life, the hits just keep on coming, sometimes the blessings do as well.

Dr. Mandy brought some incredibly nice clothes for the Bubbas, they looked like movie stars this morning, plus she'd worked with Paloma and Tony while I was tending to Sarah, and Yolie and Grandma were working hard with the others.

Yep, I'm blessed.

Figuring Out Loud

With four pregnant daughters the last few months, last night was the first night since last spring that I shut my eyes, knowing for sure that i wouldn't get a middle of the night call to come to the hospital. Even El Guapito was home before I went to bed, watching a movie with Miriam, back door locked, I slept well.

This morning I want to help Yolie get her babies over to see Sarah and her new baby. Ray and CJ are close buddies so I know Ray will need some guy time today.

Even yesterday in the hospital I fielded calls from DJJ and Mental Health workers, Fabian's acting up where he is and Jose is acting right where he is. Go figure.

A reader emailed wondering if I'd share stories of how all these delightful kids came into my life. I try to not repeat myself here although much of our life seems to run in circles at time and I can't remember what I wrote in my head or typed out. I'll try and weave some stories of WAY BEFORE if I can as I go along, sometimes I'm just trying to figure out loud here each new day and what I should do in handling each situation.

I can't remember if I already used the above picture or not?

My best imaginary friend way out west had told me yesterday how her life parallels mine so much and it does. Her family is made up of sibling groups much like mine and the issues are universal and interchangeable but oh so similar.

Hazel Bailey

Big Mama's back now. Thanks for all your prayers for Sarah's easy delivery. Her sister-in-law, George, and her mother-in-law, Edith were there with Preston and I when Hazel Bay was born after a very easy delivery.

Yolie, with both her babies, and Grandma tended to the fort here along with Ray Ray.

We should have had a soccer game and a big football game rivalry between the county's two middle schools but a huge thunderstorm blew up cancelling everything (that Grandma drove everyone to) and giving us some water from the sky, something we've rarely seen since last winter.

But how 'bout that Sarah?

Welcome Hazel Bay!

PRAISE GOD!!! Hazel Bay was born five minutes ago. I just spoke to Sarah and she sounds great. She said the delivery was "so easy". God is so good. Pictures coming soon

Hazel's Coming!!

Yolie writing:
Mama just called and she is on her way to the hospital with Sarah who is 5cm dialated. Please pray for an easy, safe and fast delivery. Ray Ray is with them and Preston is heading that way. Yipee, another cousin for CJ & Cindy Mae!

Important for Women

All Types of Alcohol Raise Cancer Risk
By MARIA CHENG
AP Medical Writer

BARCELONA, Spain (AP) - All types of alcohol - wine, beer or liquor - add equally to the risk of developing breast cancer in women, American researchers said Thursday.

"This is a hugely underestimated risk factor," said Dr. Patrick Maisonneuve, head of epidemiology at the European Institute of Oncology in Italy, who was not connected to the study.

"Women drinking wine because they think it is healthier than beer are wrong," he said. "It's about the amount of alcohol consumed, not the type."

"Any alcohol consumption will raise your breast cancer risk," Key said.

And don't even get me started on yoyos who drink while pregnant...

Deinstitutionalization Isn't Working

This picture was taken a month or so ago, Tony and I finally got the pictures unloaded from my camera, but we are still picking these wonderful Moon and Stars watermelons, maybe we have 6 or so left on the vine. The heavy wood chip mulch I've always kept on the garden beds has been our saving grace from this terrible drought but it hasn't totally done the trick, I've lost a great deal of plants this year.

Up at five, tossing and turning, wondering if I'll ever hear from our funding application for Jose. I'd written three posts on my other blog yesterday. The entire deinstitutionalization of mentally ill folks for the last 30 or 40 years has not accomplished its original goal which was to make certain that mentally ill patients had more rights and that mentally retarded persons were not warehoused.

On the surface, a good idea.

The reality is, and this may not be politically correct but there is a resulting large subculture of people who cannot function on their own; I'm speaking of schizophrenic folks, bipolar and others, who cannot hold down jobs, earn nor manage money, or live with other people in a quiet manner. The irrational behavior and violence does not begin to describe the difficulties, the prognosis is not good.

I googled deinstitutionalization and came up fairly empty as if society just wants to sweep it under the rug. This was started in the 1960s under Kennedy's administration and now there are many criminals in the homeless population along with those who've simply faltered in their lives.

StreetCrazy may be a good read, and I'm also exploring these links.

Maybe these lofty-minded policy makers should have to live with chronically mentally-challenged folks for awhile, see if the day-to-day existence doesn't spur them on to more creative solutions to this challenging problem. I sure don't know what the answer is for everyone.

I just feel so helpless about it all, especially as it encompasses my children.

JoJo

Ray's Cousin

The pretty redhead with Ray is sorta explained here.

Fishing

Ray caught his first fish last month with his daddy Preston. Ray is not a big brother yet.

I left outta here yesterday morning to drive two hours south, pick up Jose from the state mental hospital, and drive him to a crisis program three hours northwest of there.

We had a good trip. He was having flashes of comprehension into how much he too knew that he needed help. His anger scares him deeply.

After an hour worth of paperwork, I headed home, three more hours of driving, knowing I'd face Atlanta rush hour traffic no matter how many back roads I took. Mom and Vanessa finished up the dinner I'd started early that morning and Grandma got Jack and Nando to their soccer game that they won. I missed it. That makes me sad, tending to a kid with severe issues, feeling as if I'm neglecting the good ones.

Daniel and Lauren met me at the 7 pm game along with Miss Kimberly, my kids middle school Spanish teacher, and then we had an 8 pm game, crawling home around 9:30 and having to face everything I didn't get done that day since I was gone so long.

Sarah's dad has been at her house for three days and it wasn't until this morning I got over there for a minute to meet his grandbaby before they flew back to Virginia.

Paloma had a meltdown rage this morning and last night when they lost their soccer game. It must really suck to have to so little control over one's emotions.

The kids come home at noon today, half day so the teachers can get their training hours in, I'm glad since I feel I need some stay-at-home time with my kids.

To Sarah and Hazel Bay

Full Moon on Wednesday....

Prayers going out right now for Jessie and Anthony...waiting to see a baby picture ...

Can't Think of a Title

Ray and I puttered around after we dropped Sarah off at the doctor's office, she's 3 cm dilated now and she still looks awesome.

Jose has been approved to be admitted into a program at a psychiatric hospital that I really like...funding request is still in committee so I'm asking, nah I'm begging, for prayer from anyone who feels led to do so here.

More prayer is needed for the complete healing of Mr. Dale.

I have a thousand things left to do in the next 45 minutes before I go pick up Tabitha.

I'd blogged on my other blog about forgiveness/unforgiveness and had to talk my darling daughter down from the edge once again. This is so tough as a mama to watch my kids struggle so hard with what's been dumped on them over the years.

Process???

I used to read a blog that I really enjoyed by someone named Process. Where'd it go? Anyone know?

Tall Ole CW

Gina, almost 30 years old is stupified to realize that 11 year old CW is now taller than she is, he's her birth nephew, my son/grandson.

Gina and El Guapito at Soccer Practice

Gina's Pictures

How 'bout them Braves? Don't count them out yet. I've watched two awesome games this weekend between spending all my time at soccer. Gina was there yesterday and is sending me some great pictures to use here.

Good News About Butterflies and a Request

I always seem to be bemoaning environmental articles and here's an encouraging one about butterflies.

Catherine has a request for foster and adoptive parents. Please take a minute and click on this link to read her post. Maybe we can help.

And this lady is so cool...

Braves and UGA Pull It Off

With a ten year age difference between them, I don't think Monica and Sarah ever thought they'd be raising babies so close in age together. Monica's baby is a couple of months old now and we're waiting on Sarah's to arrive.

Calm on the surface around here, the undercurrents still ripple with Jose's future placement and several others areas we are dealing with problems. Some stuff takes a long time to resolve, or a long time before I feel comfortable enough to explore it verbally.

An article in the Dallas paper this morning got me to thinking. Metal illness is still little understood, a tenuous comprehension at best, yet the hopelessness of it is what washes over me so often. Obviously I did not go into adoption expecting this, I find it dismayingly prevalent, and with a big Duh and what'd I expect light dawning over my befuddled head, I really struggle with the 'what should I do next' predicament. Three of my children are significantly affected/afflicted by this, one more with enough baggage and RAD to stunt her ability to succeed honestly in life.

I don't usually watch TV dramas as we have enough drama here, I'd rather laugh or learn in my 'free' time, such as it is. I'm always drawn to the crime shows on Court TV or MSNBC or other cable specials and I shake my head, seeing Joey in some of these obviously challenged criminals who just simply don't understand cause and effect logic. I don't know how to stem the tide, to redirect lawless behaviors and I remain shocked that being in a lockdown inside of a jail with armed men doesn't deter Joey's outbursts at all.

Tomorrow Sonny and Miriam's tutoring starts back up, something I'm encouraging them both to participate in willingly. Miriam's doing a great job, Sonny's a bit frustrated so I'm amping up my cheerleading towards him. His girlfriend as well, Erica, has always been strong and a superb role model for him, only wanting the best, working several jobs at a time herself and in school to become a nurse; she too is behind him in all this.

I don't yet have permission to be very specific here, but I'd like for prayers for Dale. He is staying at the hospital tonight and being checked out for stroke, carotid artery blockage, etc...I'd like to ask y'all who feel so led to pray for total healing for him.

Those Braves went 11 innings, winning the game yesterday. UGA beat Alabama as well.

Missed the Game

My friend Robin called with two Braves tickets last night but I didn't feel right with Sarah so close to delivering, and I also knew I had four tickets in my pocket for tonight that Tina had given me a month ago when I was sooooooooo down in the dumps.

Preston was going to be glued to the GA-Alabama game tonight and told me to go on to the Braves game, with two big games tonight, surely Sarah won't deliver. Following his logic, I jumped in my truck with CW, Javy and Martin to head for the 7:05 game like my tickets said.

Grandma was here playing Rummicubes with the kids and I called Sarah to tell her we'd decided to go only to learn that the game had started at three something this afternoon and it was then in the 8th inning, tied 2-2.

Should we chance the hour and a half drive, praying for 12 innings? Nah, even so, we wouldn't have made it in time.

Pooters, I really wanted to go yell and holler all evening, instead I made another batch of fire hot pepper sauce with the peppers still coming from the garden. Tomorrow is the first day of fall and it was close to 90 today and will be so tomorrow as well. Still my kind of weather.

Six solid hours of soccer practice and team photos, I slipped away for a minute to one of the best yard sales ever. A dozen hand painted clay pots for $2.00 total. The lady was moving and didn't want to drag them with her, said she'd paint more if she felt like it. Wow, to be so cavalier with possessions...

I'm guessing Mi Guapito has moved back in. I used to never lock our doors, I don't even have a key to get in my own house, but lately since he was gone I was locking up at night, only to apparently irk him as he couldn't get in this last week.

I'm still cackling over Claudia's Cheapskate hint : Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

I'm so easily amused. Wonder why Claudia hasn't blogged...Thank God for cell phones, I'll call her if I don't get distracted going from my laptop to the kitchen counter, hunting the cell phone.

Readers Are Leaders

Ms Carr told me that something I've constantly said to my kids has sunk in and was repeated out loud by JoJo. "Mom say, 'Readers are Leaders,'" when his media specialist remarked on the amount of books JoJo has been checking out. JoJo came to me so non-verbal even though he was only three at the time, he did not speak clearly until school age, wearing a night diaper as he grew tall, still so afraid each night that his secure life with me could end at any point that he experienced night terrors for years. Now he's affectionate and sweet at age 10, tall and cute, very bonded but still capable of throwing some impressive fits such as his 54 minute meltdown recently over his big brother moving out.

Tabby threw a huge one twice yesterday for Miss Mandy over absolutely nothing. Ignoring negative behaviors both times, Tabby calms down and continues on with life.

The middle school football game yesterday had a ceremony for Mrs. Anderson, and the entire seventh grade wore T-shirts with a "see you at the finish line, Mrs. Anderson" on the front and "make everyday count" on the back which this teacher truly demonstrated every single day of her life. Sabrina has had a tough time dealing with the loss.

I have no idea what Big Joe's hollering about in this picture; we're just a very loud family. If I'd have ordered a camera cord 6 weeks ago like I should have done, I wouldn't still have to download pictures from Monica's camera each week to use. Yolie has some good pictures too that I need from her camera and maybe today I'll get around to a new camera cord.

Comforted

I think I'm just bent out of shape over this entire battle to seek help for mental health issues. Sharon's fighting in her state and Theresa in hers.

I'm cringing already at the thought of climbing over all the obstacles, telling and retelling our story while Jose sits there calmly, due to his natural state of oblivion, while I rant about what we've been through in the last five years, knowing I then look like the one with many loose screws.

Jose's four siblings, questioning me each afternoon, "Did you get some help for Jose?" They are comforted by my many, many attempts at doing so. Flipping through the pages and the notes in my Franklin-Covey planner, they can see all the calls I've made and the information I've written down.

Daniel's 22nd Birthday

Happy Birthday Daniel! The picture I took of you and Cindy Mae yesterday with my camera phone won't send. One of us has to pitch a fit today with Verizon.

Sarah, Ray, Yolie, CJ, Cindy Mae and I ran to town yesterday to take Daniel out to lunch for his 22nd birthday with is actually today. With every sort of impending issue hanging over my head, I was afraid if I waited, something would mess up our chances to go plus with his college classes, it's tough to get to him sometimes. We quickly made plans at 11:30 and pulled it together.

He's the only 22 year old man that I know that can have one sister come to his place and need to breastfeed a baby while the other sister waddles in and he immediately remarks, "Any minute now, huh?" and I could see his brain churning about maybe having to deliver a baby right there, not a couch in the house didn't have books, papers, computers or his roommate's stuff on it. And Daniel was thrilled to have Ray, CJ and Cindy Mae over there. CJ hollering for him any second he stepped out of sight.

16 years ago today, I'd flown to El Paso to meet them. An ornery bunch certainly, Yole, Big Joe and Daniel, who didn't really want to be adopted; afraid, uncertain and angry. After a year or so Daniel settled down, Yolie had bumpy teen years and Big Joe (pictured in the previous post holding his daughter, Alyssa) gave me about a decade of big problems.

Daniel was telling us about a Master's Degree program he wants to pursue. Heck yeah son, way to make me proud. He only had an hour to spare so we quickly ate at The Mean Bean, outside on their picnic tables since it isn't 100 degrees this week. It was on a fairly busy street for bumpkins like us, CJ could hardly contain himself with all the cars rolling by. So for an hour, I mentally escaped the pressures of Jose and basked in the company of three grown kids and three grandbabies.

Allen had an emotional meltdown last night at youth group because he'd stumbled, hit his nose and was embarrased which turned into one of his dry heaves crying marathons. He'll be 12 next month, he's been with me going on eight years, and his internal emotional regulator won't allow him to relax 100% and feel secure; trauma ruins that ability in a child. He's 99% secure but that inking, that one percent of abject fear can send him into a tailspin. He sobbed, howled and snuffled until snot curls from him decorated my shirt and my hair. Fixing some hot boiled peanuts, his comfort protein shot, before bed allowed him to drift off into deep sleep finally with such a full belly. I looked at him crumpled up in his bed, looking like such a baby boy and my brain boggles to think of what he went through in his toddler years.

He's such a sweet son and I'm so blessed to be his mom.

I woke up thinking about my angry post last night about criticism, reading emails and comments from y'all, I know you understand. As I held Allen last night while he carried on, I couldn't help but think about him being one of seven kids. All seven are with me, they'd surely have been split up and they are tight as ticks. I just have to grow a thicker skin towards ugly opinions I suppose. Keep on looking at my grown kids and grandbabies and reminding myself that their opinions are the only opinions that matter to me.

P$%^*# Off

I've got my granny panties in a wad once again. Although I made huge headway, with a great deal of help today, regarding treatment options for Jose, it once again came to my attention that someone was vocally critical AGAIN over the number of children that I parent.

Like I ever had any competition? No one else ever sent in homestudies on my children. If not me, then they would have been split up in foster care. Aren't I at least a better option that that? I get so pissed off over stuff like this. I didn't see anyone else volunteering to hold my kids all the days and nights that they sobbed in my arms, no one else offered to feed them three times a day for years and years, no one else offered up bedrooms and their heart to these darling kids so where on earth do folks get the right to criticize my family?

I've cleaned their pee, poop, snot and vomit, tended to them when they were sick, sat through thousands of ball games, court hearings, graduations and therapy sessions. These aren't latchkey kids, these are kids spoiled by a 24-7 stay-at-home, grow the best food and cook every night mama.

There are folks that call us a group home. Go ahead and call us what you want, my kids know they have an ultra-devoted mother who would walk through fire for them.

I don't see a lot of other people signing up to parent children who'll break the windows, smash up the furniture, and punch holes in the walls; no one is wanting to pay for their weddings or their college tuition, folks only wanna say one woman can't do this.

But I am doing this and doing it well.

I'm just glad that the fear of what others might think has not kept me from doing what God clearly called and equipped me to do. Yes I make mistakes, bumble my way through, and long for do-overs at times (Like I shouldn't have said pissed off earlier)but there's not one child in my family, even through their massive fears and traumatized emotions, not a one would ever think I don't love them...finally after decades, they all believe it, even though they keep testing it.

It's hard enough to do what I do 24-7 without the peanut gallery chiming in their discontent with life. I gotta believe they are just projecting their own fears, insecurities and inabilities onto me in order to make themselves feel better.

But it sure does p___ me off. My friend, Emily, wondering aloud, sarcastic and irritated over this as well, what should we do about large sibling groups - split them up? Heck NO.

This is how I rage, typing it out after everyone is in bed rather than punching a wall. We were home from church by 8:30, lights out within 15 minutes, the house is quiet, except for Miriam who's still downstairs getting ready for her two jobs tomorrow and Vanessa doing homework. Soccer has exhausted the rest of the kids.

Frazzled

Frazzled best describes it. I am supposed to leave and pick up Jose this morning from the state mental hospital, but I finally reached someone late yesterday afternoon who might can help us. As soon as I get everyone to school I'll crank it back up.

Between Renee's confirmation of what I'm trying to do with Jose, a reader Jennifer's suggestions, Adele's thoughts, and Linda B's email - my mind is spinning with possibilities.

Sarah could have her baby any minute now, I don't want to be driving several hours away from here when I get her call.

My hair has been snagged up in a clip for months now, tomorrow (if I can fit it in) I will finally get the short cut I've wanted since my last appointment, making this appointment as I went out Miss Angie's door.

I still have to soak the beans, have supper ready before I take the kids to church tonight but Jose is my Big If today. I'll start the dishwasher, empty the other one, put a load of laundry in, hang out the other one and check my list twice to make certain I get it all done. Jeepers.

I am frazzled and I need to calm down, regroup, get my ducks in a row and work on possibilities.

I know that God will open the doors that we need to walk through.

The Infinite Worlds of Maybe and What Might Have Been

Today I've twice detailed here my anguish and struggles over trying to find help for Jose. Contrast that battle with the joy I find with my beautiful grandchildren. I keep calling Sarah, checking, driving her nuts as she could deliver Hazel Bay any day now. I simply can't wait to see her. Sarah's so calm, she looks so good and thank God she's so healthy.

Cindy Mae looks so much like Yolie that I'm enjoying seeing how Yolie must have looked as a baby. I wish she'd lived with me back then, but had that been so, then likely there'd have been no Daniel and no Joe. That wouldn't have worked. Yolie and I often over obsess over the WHYS of life.

Paloma's Meltdown

Kortney and Alana, Monica and Dewayne's children, unscathed by the issues, problems and challenges inherent in the adoption world thankfully - beautiful, with lives open to many possibilities - this may be why I am so thankful for my grandbabies - they give me so much hope.

Paloma had a meltdown this morning when I told her to brush her hair. Besides my son's collared shirts, I require brushed hair from the girls. DUH.

That became Paloma's trigger for a rage, an obvious control issue, and an excuse to meltdown. She absolutely refused to go to school. I calmly listed the consequences that would result from her poor choice but she was totally unmoved.

I can't physically throw her out of the van at school although I dearly wanted to do so. I can't spank her until she behaves - there'd be no cause and effect result there at all. Yelling wouldn't work, nothing works at all.

I stayed calm, her three brothers were totally irked with her, Chuy is always nervous that this will be their final downfall although now, after five years, he seems to visibly lean towards the "normal Bubbas" preferring their physical reassurance at times, the bonding that they provide, and he took off towards the bus stop yapping about last night's victorious soccer games, leaving me to deal with Paloma which is as it should be. The real issue for Paloma is her fear that Jose will never get better. I've reassured them all that I'm working to find him the help that he needs.

She's standing with her arms crossed, daggers coming out of her eyes, looking exactly like a two year old holding her breath which is actually her emotional age level. She's aggravated that I'm ignoring her but I don't want to feed into a negative cycle of behavior.

CW called from school yesterday, complaining of a sore throat, something he never does. Strong and stoic, well adjusted and well behaved because he's been here since birth, not a complainer at all. He called me about ten minutes later in worse shape and I could tell he was fighting tears so I told him I'd come carry him home. This kid never cries and was in obvious discomfort so I went to the pediatrician's office only to discover CW had strep throat. He missed his first ever soccer game last night. He's missing school today also and he's not happy about that.

On the soccer field until 9:30 last night with two out of three of our teams winning really good games, Edgar came also to cheer them on, and we have another game tonight.

Today Joey turns 19 years old so I called the jail to inquire about bringing him some spending money. He is apparently nutting up there so bad that he is on lockdown, cannot have money, cannot have visitors...nothing.

"Do you mind telling him that his mama called about him today?" I asked the jailer.

"Will do."

I hung up thinking about all the times Joey has raged through our house, tearing up walls, furniture, and light fixtures. All the problems he caused for us, how the police had to be called to school while he was in elementary, middle and high school, how he was kicked out of a therapeutic wilderness facility for being too disturbed, nearly five years in a state mental hospital, countless medications and therapists...all to seemingly no avail.

I'm kinda bummed about his choices that he has no control over. I've temporarily fallen off that Hope Horse, but I'm going to climb back on and keep praying for him, for his safety and his emotional healing, for the correct mental health help, and for some semblance of maturity somehow someway someday.

In the meantime I'll keep trying to find help for Jose.

This is so not what I signed up for, but it is what it is.

Obsessing

My son-in-law's brother pictured here, a nice church going fellow, was at our party along with Sonny's girlfriend and her sister who is also Monica's friend and works with Miriam; the convoluted relationships in a small county where one has to be careful not to date one's cousin.

Sonny, Javy and I managed to scoop up a raging Jonathan from the church sanctuary between Praise, Worship, Offering and Sermon. Jonathan actually grabbed the door frame but we wrenched him off of it. Praise and Worship, full band, was loud enough to almost drown out his hollering. We got him to the van where he bit Sonny and kicked the seats while hollering. He only kept it up for 45 minutes, apologizing later and understanding fully that he'd lost computer privileges.

I came home to a messy house and I told the kids who'd slung crap everywhere that I was going to wait until they were grown and come over to their houses and take off my adult diaper and leave it on their floors like they do to mine with their night diapers, I'd punch in their walls and throw trash all around their trashcan, smearing the sides with greasy stuff while spitting toothpaste all over their wallpapered walls to which Chuy shrugged that he'd have the easy-to-clean vinyl kind.

Cristy came over with a Strawberry Smoothie for me and a funny book to read, Ask A Mexican, so I sat on my fat butt and read a book this afternoon even though my garden was screaming for me to come outside and play in it. I picked me enough peppers and tomatoes to eat tonight, the kids wanted fish sticks (yuck) so I sent 'em out front to pick muscadines for dessert.

Now that's living...

But back in the real world that I'm not liking very much right now.

I'm still struggling emotionally with Lisa's death, I find it so difficult to accept or to comprehend on any level. It just can't be so; she was absolutely vivacious, vibrant and beautiful. I talked to her gorgeous daughter after church today, she's strong and devastated at the same time. Vanessa had told Abby to call me if she needed to talk, or to explode, knowing I know how kids feel who've lost their mom although my kids all did so under vastly different circumstances.

Loss is so incredibly painful, it's such a long process through so many stages of grief. I've been obsessing lately over this, wishing I could rewind time and prevent this from ever happening, worrying mostly about their family, but also the middle school, the principal and our community.

Yes, I Know I Can

I'd blogged recently about a really good book I'd read, quoted the author, loving his thoughts. Then I'd announced I'd never pay $29.95 since I shop at yard sales with $1 being my top price for hardbacks. This guy's book was well worth the $29.95 but me being po' white trash, I hardly have a dollar sometimes.

The author tracked me down, his search engine checking for mentions of his books, and offered me a complimentary copy of his newest book.

Great, because then I can use my dollar on a new set of sheets at a yard sale for Tony's bed.

His book is on financial security, something I'm obsessed with since it all falls on me to provide for so many, a challenge that I adore with all my heart. The kids fret, worry, fume and fear as they've lost their entire worlds over and over before they were adopted. Now they have head knowledge that this is forever, eventually it becomes heart knowledge as they watch me struggle, try, mess up at times yet continue on harder than before, the Little Engine That Could, always thinking and planning, searching for Plans B-Z and whatever else will work for us.

Sailing Along

Everyone's holding a sister's baby.

One way our family has grown so much, besides the obvious thought of adopting sibling groups, would be when they marry into other people's families. Yesterday it was my son-in-law, Dewayne's family who was here at the birthday party.

We were busy and running, soccer and company, Lisa's Memorial Service and a birthday party all day long. I'd been up since five with the kids popping up soon after that and everyone falling asleep between nine and ten last night. Today we'll play catch-up, get chores done after church and get ready for next week as soccer games start tomorrow night.

It's been right calm and peaceful, everyone pitching in, few squabbles, and very little problems at home lately.

Kortney's Birthday Party

My pastor's wife helped me get two different teams to and from soccer so that I could get to the Memorial Service on time; 30 minutes early and the church parking lot was packed. A huge crowd, reflecting back the love and positive attitude that Lisa Anderson had always shared with everyone she met.

It's just impossible to believe she's gone. I sat there thinking of the millions of times that I've been negative yet I claim to be optimistic. This woman truly personified excellence and I'm very inspired by the example she always showed. Her family was, and is, awesome and I just cannot fathom how difficult each day will now be for them.

CW, Tony, Allen and Chuy had to duck out of the service that ran a couple of hours so that Grandma could get them to soccer; I followed up late for the last team but we got it all done today.

Monica and Dewayne threw a wonderful party for Kortney this afternoon, we must have had about 50 folks here, a pinata and cakes.

I needed emotionally to get back into my family, to feel the security here, and to be very grateful for what all I have. Yet I can't get Lisa's two children out of my mind. It's difficult to enjoy my happiness in the face of their devastation; they're simply wonderful folks, all four of them and the remaining three face such loss and grief.

In my line of work and in my life's work, children have faced parental loss in so many ways...usually fairly negative ways and after much emotional pain, yet I look at Chris and Lisa's children, such great kids, with two absolutely devoted parents, the loss seems insurmountable and patently unfair on so many levels.

They are so in my prayers.

When my niece Lauren lost her mother, my sister to cancer, Lauren was only seven years old and I was so torn up about it. Ellen's friend, Kathy, reminded my mom that she too had lost her mom at an early age. That was then comforting to Mom and I, knowing Kathy had turned out so well, raised by her father. Lauren too grew up wonderfully parented by her dad, always of course missing her mom, but emotionally strong, ambitious and able to excel. Lisa's kids too will do well, there's so much Lisa in them and their dad is a strong, loving father.

Family is everything.

A Blessed Breakfast

Sweet, gorgeous Miss Cissy from our church was here on a Saturday morning before 7 with OJ, milk, biscuits, cheese grits, bananas and five dozen Krispy Kreme Donuts. This calls for an exclamation remark!

My kids were open-mounthed with thrilled surprise, now they are full-bellied and happy.

Me too!

Looking into Post Adoption Services

Trying to figure out how to be several places at one time today, drinking turbo coffee at five-something in the morning, I have several Bubbas up with me as well since it isn't a school day.

Anonymous who mentioned 'post adoption services' in her comment last night, I'll check into it. It didn't even dawn on me, so thanks for the input.

It again rained all around us yesterday, not more than 30 minutes though on our property.

Dr. Mandy has been instrumental in helping Mayra and Sabrina particularly through this loss of Mrs. Anderson, this morning is the memorial service, so I need to get everyone in their church clothes with soccer practice clothes ready for the switch off. Grandma and Sarah will both be helping me this morning and when all the practices are completed by early afternoon, we'll have a birthday party for Courtney here.

Listing all I need to accomplish this morning isn't getting it done, I best get my rear end in gear.

Don't Tell Me No

Of all 15 grandbabies, CJ is the most obsessed with my chickens, now wanting his mom to buy him a Bubba Chicken like this.

Although my perspective on life has taken a hit this week, as I fight everywhere to find services and resources for Jose, I can't get Lisa A off my mind at all. She was just driving to run errands after school and now she's gone. It's that fast folks. Our lives are but a vapor. (This is not my Miss Lisa from church.)

I can't get her family out of my mind, nor the entire school that is so devastated. Vanessa's high school lost a coach this past summer, now this.

Jose has a superb counselor where he is now, someone I haven't met yet, but have talked to on the phone. She has That Voice. The one where you know she understands, the click is immediate, she's in the right business certainly.

We should have an answer this morning from another psychiatric hospital although the funding is not in place...maybe not even in existence, but I'll do what I have to do to get him helped. Don't tell me it can't be done, maybe it hasn't yet been accomplished but everything is possible.

His siblings are absolutely thriving without the pressure of his continuous outbursts and explosive rages, the difference in our atmosphere is astonishing. Javy is so open with Martin and CW, Chuy following suit, not being hindered by the constant maintenance of Jose's detonations. Jonathan is simply adorable, relief evident in his every move, and Paloma continues to respond well to Dr. Mandy.

Jose doesn't know about Lisa's death. His class was right across the hall from her but he is so anti-social that I doubt he knew who she was at all, even in that small school.

Sonny found out about her death before I could get to him, he was slinging wood across the front yard last night after dark, venting his grief over this. Working for a real estate company, bringing home what people throw away, he's his mama's son for sure, he had a trailer load of scrap wood that served a different purpose last night. But it beats some negative alternatives he could have chosen to express how he felt.

Miriam and Vanessa remained shocked in utter disbelief at this tragedy.

Coping, coping and coping

3:54 in the morning...that is absolutely ridiculous, but I know it comes from age, this sleeplessness. I tried to wait it out, but my mind immediately began racing about Jose, what am I gonna do?

So I came on downstairs to drink coffee and to write, only to discover the cable was out, no TV and no internet. Big whoop, I have a stack of waiting books I've been unable to get to lately.

By 6, everything was back on with Allen and JoJo awake and watching me type.

Martin has an appointment this morning to get his braces checked and it is Javy's 14th birthday. He has his eye on a game cube on Ebay, following Mama's lead, waiting until something is either antiquated or unpopular enough for the prices to fall dramatically.

Mrs. Anderson's memorial service will be at our church tomorrow, I'm trying to work out the four soccer practices and babysitting so that several of us can attend. Sabrina, a seventh grader, is taking this very hard. I found her crying in her bathroom late last night, the only kid still awake. This from a kid who rarely cries, but for traumatized children having their slowly healing scab over their hearts being ripped off, this is so painful.

This was a seventh grade teacher, such a very nice woman, a loving woman who so genuinely cared about her students, this is literally breaking Sabrina's heart who dared to trust someone and now she's gone.

Thank God Dr. Mandy has been here three afternoons this week. There aren't enough layers of security and stability in the world available for children but I'm trying to cover as many bases as is possible.

Hoping the Newspaper is Incorrect Today

I'm going to type fast and get out of my pjs for a kindergarten breakfast at school with Nando and then Tabby has yet another dentist appointment at nine.

I am making progress with Jose's possibilities, faxing info, taking calls and filling out paperwork. Struggling with telling and retelling the facts, but measuring what I'm up against versus another occurrence nearby last night.

Last night there was a horrible accident in my county and I am so disbelieving of the newspaper report, so willing to ignore the facts, so stunned that I'm wordless and hoping there will be a retraction later. I don't want to tell the kids, but I also don't want them to hear it at school which they most certainly will. Maybe it was someone else, my brain is scrambling to make sense of a heartbreaking tragedy. Maybe it was someone else who was life-flighted, the other person involved. The newspaper didn't name names. I still have a tremendous thread of hope as I prayed for this woman and her family last night, she's probably the nicest lady in this entire county, deeply loved by everyone she's come in contact with. This just can't be true. It isn't possible that the sun could shine today without her here on earth, she really is that precious, a very positive, caring woman with two great kids and a fantastic husband who has greatly impacted Edgar's life in many ways. He's likely the only man Edgar has ever cared about other than his youth pastor, certainly someone Edgar adores, respects and trusts, not a usual happening for a traumatized kid.

This just couldn't possibly be true. I refuse to accept it, I'm diving down into denial where it is more bearable.

UPDATE: 7:22

It is true. One of the most beloved teachers in our county passed away last night. Her husband was Edgar's boss, Chris, who held Edgar's hand for a year as he attempted to grow up. This is a shockingly difficult tragedy for our county. Mrs. Anderson touched the lives of many, many of my children and many others as well.

Chores

I suppose I'm the last person on earth to finally hear a Dave Ramsey show. I downloaded a podcast and loved it. I'm an immediate fan, listening also to Zig Ziglar as well, an old-timer that I've always adored.

We saw RAIN yesterday for a few minutes, nearly two feet of deficit though, a scant 1/100 of an inch does little. Soccer practice went on in spite of the shock of seeing water fall from the sky.

Still no word on Jose and the help he needs that I'm having trouble finding...

Big Jose came over yesterday, patching all my sheetrock holes from wayward angry fists, one hole in Scotty's room was so large, Jose needed to add wood to it and sheetrock. Scotty was nonplussed by my attitude about this yet embarrassed to know that Big Jose was disappointed in his behavior.

Sarah is still waddling toward her due date, at Bible Study this morning and teaching me what she's learning.

I'm behind on my other blog, need to go tend to the chickens and plant some spinach; turn over a garden bed for garlic planting, hang out a load of wash and clean up the kitchen.

I feel as if I'm stalling...

Busy, Busy Schedules

Monday night's soccer practices run until nine at night, leaving me with a bunch of amped-up kids who have a tough time settling down. These folks take their soccer seriously and we are still only practicing, games start next week. As soon as I go down the hall to wake everyone up this morning, they'll start right back in with their conversations/arguments over last night's scrimmages and these'll continue down the hill to the bus stop and in my van with the elementary kids. Tonight at supper, same thing.

I'm still making phone calls, emailing Jose's psych eval and scrambling for mental health services in an arena where funds were cut to virtually nothing. "Make us a test case," I've insisted, knowing the troubles that will arise if I bring a dangerous kid back home into our house.

Chuy, visibly relieved to be out from under the stress of Jose's constant rages and destruction, growing taller in front of my eyes, has devised a nerdish manner of pulling a wagon down the hill each morning with his baritone, parking it in the woods until his bus returns each afternoon...this from a kid who was once certain that his life in our family was as temporary as all his other situations, watching me warily but so intelligently I could see his brain bulge with his thoughts.

Now, after five years, years that have been right stressful for Big Mama, he's seen me try and figure out Plan B so many times, on so many kids, he's watched grandchildren join us, marriages and even the arrival of Sabrina's family two and a half years ago. He is beginning to allow himself to believe that it could be true for him as well. Forever as a lifestyle for a once homeless, sleeping in the dirt in El Paso child.

Jonathan has not had a fit once since Jose left. He's become openly affectionate, initiating the "I love you Mama," at bedtime rather than sullenly, pointedly ignoring my entreaties to him each night, yet he asks each day about Jose, ascertaining that I'm still trying to find him some help.

Lily has her beloved school Art Club starting up today, she's so thrilled and Ms. Carr is starting a Garden Earth Naturalist Club at the school for third graders, inviting Scotty to attend. He rushed home yesterday to tell me about it. "Can I? Can I?" he screamed in excitement, sweating hard with enthusiasm over this idea.

Duh, son, of course you can, I thought. I'm glad Ms. Carr had already explained the whole concept to me, Scotty's zeal was vibrating the entire living room as I gave him permission to join.

Sabrina's cheerleading practice session started yesterday as well adding to the soccer schedule, Art Club, Naturalist Club, Church Christmas Musical practice and band for Chuy. Anyone else wanna join something? We still have homework to do in the last three spare minutes each day.

Busy kids keep out of trouble though and I'm happy as loose goose to attend all this with them, observing happy, fulfilled kids acting normally in public, too tired to explode at home with their issues, and meeting their challenges in therapy. Miss Mandy, three times a week has contributed greatly to inner stability and understanding.

And Lily is an officer in 4-H, all three fifth graders all involved there as well.

Are we blessed or what?

My elderly (77) parents who live here have been deeply dismayed over the years at the level of violence and destruction that has occurred here within my home. Joey and Fabian, were possibly the worst offenders, but when they left for jail and treatment (respectively), Jose increased his homicidal inclinations towards me. He also tore our house up with his fists and unmitigated anger, always over nothing.

With him now temporarily hospitalized, his birth siblings are reacting accordingly in a very positive manner.

Chuy, my gifted little genius, has always been standoffish and highly anxious; fearing that Jose was gonna blow this placement for them all. Not understanding totally the level of my commitment. All he had to go on was the long line of caretakers before me who'd let him down. Very slowly he's allowing himself to trust that I am the real deal, here forever for him. He's blossoming this month without the burden of Jose - as he saw it. He felt because he was so smart, that it was his duty to stand between Jose and insanity. No child should have to bear up under that.

Their oldest brother, Javy, will be 14 this Friday. He also is greatly relieved to not have to continuously "manage" Jose's behaviors, both at home and at school. It had gotten to the point that he'd felt a self-imposed duty to protect me at all times. If nothing else, it came from knowing that if Jose hurt me, they'd have no one.

His youngest siblings are also coming out from under the cloud Jose had kept them under. Now 9 and 10, they are still very anxious about what will happen to Jose, as am I, but watching their oldest two brothers trust so totally in my ability to find help for Jose, is easing their fears somewhat.

All four children deeply love Jose but have been frightened of his anger for years. His moods have kept us all hostage, as we've spent so long being unable to go out in public due to his outbursts that always came out of nowhere...even at church he'd lose it over nothing and rage, explode, or "go after someone."

I have 13 kids on four soccer teams and without Jose gumming up the works, threatening everyone over no provocations, it is an easy schedule to do.

The relief this month from the stress and pressure has been palpable. Jonathan and Paloma are able to go to Children's Church and participate in the Christmas Musical without worrying that Jose will make us all miss practice because he's decided once again to hurt someone.

I've put on TEN POUNDS in the last two weeks. I feel great; healthy and able to take on the world. We didn't realize how much strain we were all under with the fear and anxiety from Jose's rages and determination to hurt people.

Now I gotta take on the mental health system once again, and try my best to find Jose the help he so desperately needs and this won't be easy.

I suppose blurred pictures are better than no pictures at all. I need to order a camera cord, protein powder, garlic bulbs to plant this fall and to set a mouse trap, yet I've done my quiet time and am blogging before I wake the kids up this morning for school.

Fabian had a great homestay, perfect behavior, he was glued to Vanessa and Miriam the entire time. They are his birth sisters, his protectors and his everything.

One daughter, a "Mean Girl," not pictured here, is seeing Dr. Mandy about this hateful attitude she sometimes demonstrates. It is an insecure, self-defense, automatic response to any stressful situation such as middle school, but here's where her therapy helps me. Dr. Mandy has worked with my daughter about her perspective, "How do you think this makes the other girl feel when you act like this to her?"

Obviously a good question, yet I as the mother, didn't ever get to that point until I had corrected her behavior. I should have started at that point since her flouncing off dramatically was what usually resulted. I was then not given a chance to work on perspective.

Dr. Mandy has established such a rapport with my daughters that is not there between them and I during the mother-daughter conflicts. An educated, neutral third party in the form of a therapist has taught us all so much. This works so well with children who's issues are milder yet still need to be dealt with. I wish I'd known this years ago.

A Baby Shower

My Sunday School class surprised the tar out of Sarah by pulling off a baby shower for her this morning. Yolie, Cindy Mae, Grandma, Edith and I all kept a secret.

I just sent the above three girls, Mayra, Miriam and Vanessa to the grocery store for me, toting my debit card and a whale of a list.

Miriam had picked figs, Allen picked the tomatoes and peppers and Jack picked two melons that should've been left alone to grow larger.

But they were big enough to provoke Vanessa into misbehaving...

All these blurry pictures came from Monica's camera.

His Mama's Son

Daniel, who is all about sports, sent me this picture yesterday of him and his girlfriend, Lauren, at the Georgia-South Carolina game.

This is his third game this week, two Braves games and now the UGA game. Like mother, like son, he's wearing the same thing at each game.

No future in all that clothes changing rigamarole apparently.

Sunday and Praying

Even if I weren't so poor, I'd prefer to not spend money on clothes. They are too expensive and nearly of no personal value to me anyway. I'd rather spend money on plants or to buy more land. When my kids are grown I will still scrounge, shop at yard sales, and accept other people's hand-me-downs. It's my pleasure.

I found an extra copy of one of Suze Orman's books yesterday for a buck, buying it to put on the dining room table for my grown kids to chose from. Sarah already owns a copy so Yolie took it.

Speaking of Sarah, she's been a perfect example of this. Nary a bite has crossed past her lips all pregnancy that wasn't loaded with supernutrition.

Fabian has had a good home visit all weekend. I know that Natalie has specifically been praying for him just as Nancy in Iowa has prayed so diligently for Vanessa...and it shows in both kids. I'm very grateful to have others praying over my kids.

Mi Guapito, who no longer wants to be named in the blog, is struggling with the usual Adoption 101 issues when one moves out of the only secure, stable home ever. It is so hard for anyone on earth to make their way through early adulthood and even more so for such traumatized individuals.

My Daniel is a very rare exception and that's due to his super high intelligence. Yolie and I have often wondered aloud how much more so it would have been had his birth parents not used drugs and alcohol? And why didn't it affect him the way it did so many of my other children?

The middle kid in that original sibling group, Big Joe, struggled so much harder than either Daniel or Yolie, against so many more emotional odds.