Mid-Afternoon

Sarah claims my children are looking a little too National Geographic for her today.

Nando, Jack and Lily went on a daytrip with my parents today, leaving the other younger 14 at odds.

Dr. Mandy is doing an anger assessment sheet with Jose and then will finish up her diagnostic reading testing on Mayra, although we already suspect the results will require tutoring, something I'll attempt, but will also hunt for resources and reinforcements.

War Paint

I'm thinking we have too much free time on our hands. Lily has a room full of art supplies, I'd just spent $2 and gotten her two very large crates of paints from a yard sale so she and Sabrina doodied everyone up yesterday after we'd swam all afternoon. Some of the pictures I'll save and use to illustrate later posts...about psychos or something.

Sonny and Miriam's pre-college tutoring is getting off to a wonderful start, Sonny's going to need a great deal of help, he was kind of frustrated yesterday, but with encouragement he can get this done. I'm doing an expensive-to-us on-line course registration for Vanessa (and she'll need several) in order to help her graduate by next May. I know she can carry the load, she's been charming and helpful for a few days yet she's so moody that it wouldn't take more than a cross look in her direction to cause one of her legendary explosions that always cost her in the long run.

Lily taught Tabby how to procure the four o'clock seeds, filling their pockets last night, talking between the two of them, "we'll give them all to Ray-Ray," because Sarah was so gracious about the last batch. Hey, everyone needs a purpose.

Rain came somewhat to Georgia this month yet it has mysteriously not fallen here, I'll watch the radar screen with anticipation, wearing out my bookmarked sites, only to watch it monsoon close by, and then dissipate as it heads toward our county.

Tabby has worried me all week, wanting to dig clumps of chocolate mint for Dr. Mandy who doesn't realize she'll need to slam her windows shut to prevent it from overtaking her property and house. The good news is that when one mows or weed-eats, which must be done to keep it from uprooting pavement and homes, the fragrance released into the air will make you long for Heaven.

I've spent years planting fragrant flowers, shrubs and vines plus the South is legendary for wisteria and honeysuckle; our non-poisoned earth here, rich with compost and mulch and all my property is surrounded by large trees...honest to God, last night I contemplated if it smells so lustrous and intoxicating here, I simply cannot begin to imagine how Heaven will smell, how beautiful the flowers will be...how peaceful? I stood on my upstairs deck, like Yertle the Turtle, surveying all I own, inhaling the air, and being very thankful that I've followed after God to where He's brought me.

Vanessa made salsa again, fire-hot and flaming even for my tastes, everyone was dumping it on their pasta last night, screaming in pained delight, the jalapenos we grow are earthy scorchers and the tomatoes are richly flavorful. My mouth is watering now for more as I type. I think Tony might have overdid his serving...

Shut Up, Quit Whining...

Picking bucketfuls of vegetables last night with Lily and Scotty, I'm having to chop and freeze everything as I'd had to mail order the new pressure regulator for my canner, hopefully it'll arrive this week.

I've drank/drizzled on my salads an entire bottle of balsamic vinegar in less than one month all by myself. I've chopped whatever type peppers I've picked, usually relleno, bell and banana peppers, baby squash, cucumbers and tomatoes into a huge salad bowl every single day this month with grated cheese, flax and sunflower seeds on top. I could die now and go happy.

Carolina came over for her own big bucket load last night just as it was getting too dark to work outside, we'd already swam; and lo and behold, both Nando and Tabby proved they could swim across the pool now without life jackets.

Martin found some fishing wire and started stringing up the cayenne peppers that Jonathan had picked. Yolie'd dropped by with even more peppers from her neighbor. I usually boil them for a minute, run them through the food processor with a little water and freeze them; any kind of hot peppers mixed together for later use as our Flaming Hot Pepper Sauce that we use all winter.

By nine last night, sweet ole Sonny had gone to McDonalds to pick up Vanessa and I finally got a much-needed shower after I'd put the kids to bed early. Larry King Live had a repeat of the Democratic Youtube Debate that I didn't watch the first time, so I flipped until I found that show I'd been talking about the other day but couldn't remember much.

It's called The Millionaire Inside and it was so engrossing that I took notes. It's not about the money, it's about the attitude. It's in realizing one's dreams, accomplishing one's goals and being happy and content with one's life. This is one of the main things that I want to teach to my children.

Reading my posts lately one might deduce I'm a little less than happy, but that's not so. Everyone goes through hard times. The point is to pick oneself up and get going again which I always do. I stay motivated, I pump myself up.

One guy had stressed that everyone should find mentors, be it through books, videos or successful people. Have three that you long to be like and two that keep you accountable along the way.

Regarding money...it's something that rules us all basically...but he's met millionaire happy janitors along the way and broke, miserable professionals. He claims, "we all earn money yet very few of us are responsible with money."

Several guys were featured, one wrote a book that'll appear for me now at a yard sale (this always happens to me, thank you Lord) called "Shut up, Stop Whining, Get a Life."

It was a really good show that I will now DVR so I can make certain that I get to see it. This Guy was fascinating.

I may often be as poor as a church mouse but duh I have a lot of responsibilities. I have Pure-T freedom though others may not think so to look at my life, but I'm where I'm at right now totally due to specific choices I've made, goals I've set and plans I've fulfilled. I have made my life be exactly what I want it to be.

Getting a Grip Again and Again

OK, I have calmed down somewhat, every child in the house helped me scrub everything except the three that irk me every Sunday, being late to church, trying to text during the service and slumping over to fall asleep. Unbelievably those three were dressed and out the door to Sunday School on time, while I sat here sullenly and slovenly.

EVERY bedroom is now clean, I've singlehandedly gone through dresser drawers and closets, done laundry non-stop, swept the entire house and scrubbed the bathrooms. In shock at my righteous outrage, Jose has been compliant, while Jonathan and Paloma are holding on to their stubborn defiance, being emotionally left behind by all other family members who've scrambled to keep up with me today.

We got haircuts done, Sweet JoJo, playing the fool midway through his haircut out on the back deck, earned his place on the big blog illustrating craziness.

I had blogged bitterly on the other page, there's comes a point when it's just terribly tough around here. Yolie'd hung up her phone last night and muttered angrily to her husband, "Those kids are gonna kill Mama." A figure of speech, my heart might just explode from the stress of so much hate and defiance sometimes.

I went over to Sarah's for a minute today, she fed me a wonderful cold pasta salad and the rest of my creme de menthe brownies while we stared out the window at her huge Lantana, watching a butterfly vie with a hummingbird. It was so peaceful over there, a 5 minute respite for me, from the warfare at home where they test my limits of human endurance.

She just called to read this aloud from the AJC Vent:"Do all 16 year old girls become Soldiers for Satan or does this only happen at my house?

Bitterness and Frustration Again: Pollyanna Temporarily Checked Out

Today's Hero is in Austin, Texas. I wish I could concentrate only in this environmental area and not be bogged down with the severe mental and emotional outbursts around here.

We had a very sucky afternoon with Paloma breaking a window in anger, wanting to not have to clean her room. In many ways she got rewarded because Mayra moved out of the room in disgust and into a very large bedroom with Miriam and Vanessa, which was once the master bedroom/bath. I had to take everything, every item of clothing from Paloma's room and wash it as she's just stuffed it everywhere. Then I moved on to Scotty and Jonathan's room with equal disgust.

Scientists claim they've bred a mentally ill mouse. I have a thousand smart aleck comments I could make, insensitive as well, but when one considers the amount of Hell I live in at times, maybe my bitterness is understandable. I poured it out to Yolie last night on the phone knowing she'd understand. Her only comment, right on target, "Well you do live with a lot of very tough children right now." YA THINK?

I have to keep remembering though that I also have some really good kids too. Chuy, Martin, CW, Lily, Jack, Sabrina, Allen, JoJo, Tabby, Nando and Javy immediately jump to my mind. It strikes me as really unfair for them to have to live with the disruptive ones until I stop and remember that in almost all cases, it is a sib or two from each of their original birth families, and they are looking to me to find help for them, an often very daunting task.

I try hard to keep the main areas clean; the family room, living room, dining room and kitchen which all together equal several thousand square feet. Wouldn't it be nice if each child could keep their own rooms clean? The truth is, that with their many issues, they hoard, stuff, steal, trash everything, punch walls and break furniture. My truck is loaded down with three broken dressers, bags of torn and stained clothing, and the remnants of what used to be toys and other functional items from just two bedrooms.

Jose got mad because I wouldn't back down on the room cleaning, and he punched another hole in the wall, this morning we are not going to church. I know that Jose will cause a huge problem for me, and I'm a more than a little discouraged over all the effort it takes for a few slivers of normalcy. No one got a shower last night including me. I think that we need some REGROUP time.

I know we are facing the back to school meltdowns/tantrums/acting out/destructive anger fits but I'll be derned if we're going to do it with a filthy house. Because I did all the work yesterday, every bit of it, washing, folding and hanging everything up, very bitterly I might add, because I still have the usual overload of laundry, cooking and cleaning, no one learned anything...no one appreciated anything, it just made me angrier, but we have 400 square feet of very clean right now. Two bedrooms, top to bottom, are perfect.

Vanessa came home from McDonalds and mopped the kitchen floor while big ole Javy hauled sack after sack of heavy trash for me, Mayra and Scotty were right helpful as well. Jonathan, Paloma and Jose were AWFUL. Not any part of their psyche understands that I'm the only idiot on earth who agreed to provide a home and a family for kids who rage and destroy everything. No amount of therapy, logic, experience nor time has shown them any sort of anything. They think, in their muddled minds, that they can scream, rage and carry on whenever they feel like being ugly to anyone/everyone. Their adult lives will totally suck in prison if they don't soon understand some simple concepts about decent behavior.

ALL three are in heavy-duty therapy. At this point, I feel as if I am the one serving time, I'll get released when they grow up and learn everything I've tried to teach them...the hard way.

Little Tykes

I bought something like this at a yard sale this morning for $4. For another buck I bought a couple dozen cups for the kids to drink out of and then I spent $3 on two large free-standing planters. I took the Little Tykes Playhouse over to CJ's house and he's some kind of happy. This particular model sells for $129 whereas others go for several hundred. I've used our other one for a chicken incubator and a separate enclosure for an amorous, ornery rooster one afternoon. At the kind of prices I pay...

Stopping at Sarah's house, I'd eaten another large chunk of my birthday creme de menthe brownies that I'd stashed at her house, I've made a 9 X 13" pan last a week, I still have another couple more pieces, I'm hoarding it like crack or something.

Jose maintained his behavior at the Outdoor Adventure Camp, he came home last night at 7 and went straight to bed, sleeping for twelve hours. Some of the elementary kids went to a lock-in at church last night, and this is Sabrina's last day at cheer leading camp.

My bedroom still looks like a Bubba Campground, sleeping bags and (yard sale) futons everywhere, "Can we still do this when school starts?" I'm asked by anxious sons of mine.

"What are we gonna do with 7 empty bedrooms?" I'd rhetorically questioned them.

"You could adopt some more kids Mama."

When donkeys fly.

Lena sent me this picture yesterday of Jesse enjoying his birthday cake last week, turning 25 and being a successful Navy man in Texas while I flounder here with my suddenly unemployed group of grown up kids, who neither want advice nor suggestions, but don't realize that it comes with the free rent here.

Sonny and Miriam spent all morning yesterday doing as they should, being evaluated for remedial college classes. First they'll need to attend some excellent tutoring sessions that we are blessed to have access to - then they can start the remedial math classes. The important area for me to focus on here is in the fact that they are both doing what they should be doing right now.

I've alluded to something my family is dealing with, something it'd be inappropriate and imprudent to discuss at the moment, but it's heart wrenching and busting my gut. There are many things that my family struggles through that don't bear a discussion here, yet with what I do share, lately I've provoked a great many emails from readers.

Two of you moms, both here in Georgia, are in a world of pain and I'm not responding just yet as I don't want to appear flippant. I need to think through my words. One of you though mentioned your county's mental health facilities and I gotta tell you, ours are exemplary. I've received tons of help this way. Think about it, if we adopt from the foster care system, the birth parents of our children have been swamped with their own emotional issues, mental illnesses and diagnoses. As such, our children seem to be the repository for the same, plus we need to add in their often very disturbing case histories comprised of nightmare experiences, more rejections and abandonments and the physical or emotional abuse. We're left with a simmering cauldron of fears, anxieties and all too often violent tendencies. What do we do now?

I have not one, but two, genius psychologists coming to our house regularly. Dr. G and Dr Mandy are wildly intelligent and able to see through the emotions that I often am drowning in here with my kids. We need an outside filter such as both of them, someone who can step back and diagnose, offer suggestions, and a third party sympathetic ear to both the children and to me. I have teachers and church folk involved with my family; coaches, counselors and other professionals as we need as much help as is available.

I love my children very, very much, but I am often in the position of being glad that some are not in our home right now, both for our own safety and for the overall reduction in stress. If I bellyached here constantly, or even to myself, over the trainload of stress that my children seem destined to vomit all over me, I'd singlehandedly discourage many others from adopting as we, my big ole family, seem to be so visible nowadays through my writings.

I want to encourage all y'all to not only hang in there but to continue adopting. Claudia's at NACAC, somewhere I plan to be also when the kids need me less (if you know MY kids, that's hardly likely to ever manifest) and she eloquently beseeches us to continue. Girlfriend, I know.

Drugging Children

Wendy sent me this disturbing video about foster children on psychotropic medications, over-prescribed because no one wants to deal with their behaviors. I've had toddlers move in on unnecessary medications; Martin at 4 on clonidine??? I don't think so, even Tony was prescribed that crap at age 2. I immediately took them both off of it with their social worker's blessings. This was nine years ago and I'd blurted to her, "Don't you think that Texas over-prescribes?"

She's looked at me like Duh Cindy. An adoptive mom herself, caseworker to Joey, battle-scarred and weary, she's still at it as far as I know.

Joey emails me angry letters from a public library computer, telling me he's a grown man and can cuss if he wants to yet he misspelled the word 'cuss.' He wants to go back to jail because his Probation Officer is on his a#$ too much (his cuss words). Like that's not their job? That's life, Joey. He thinks he can better serve his probation locked up where his P.O. won't bother him. And the logic is where? Fired from his fast food job but he didn't tell me why. I can guess. I suggested he not bother to contact me if all he wants to do is cuss, I'm here when he wants to be more positive.

Paula's heartbreak reminds me of several of my kids, both Fabian and Joey, and I'd received an email from another mom whose son is too violent and disturbed to remain with them at the moment, she's not the only one I've heard from lately regarding dangerous children. It is ultimately heartbreaking.

None of my children are on meds right now yet that may end up being the only way for Jose to remain living in our family. I have way too many documented instances of his threats to our well-being where I'd now be remiss if I let it all slide. He has an evaluation appointment next week with a psychiatrist after five years of seeing a psychologist.

New Fridge

After a day of horseback riding, Mayra, Martin, Jose and Javy are camping in the north Georgia mountains and going whitewater rafting tomorrow before ending the Outdoor Adventure Camp that has been awesome for them.

Another day of Math Camp, equally as beneficial, for Lily, Paloma, Scotty, JoJo, Jonathan and Tony while I work on the counter full of tomatoes. This morning I only have time to chop them, toss in some jalapenos and freeze them.

Like a traffic cop I'm moving masses of people out the door, Sonny and Miriam have to head for their remedial evaluation before college classes and I need to talk to Edgar about his job search. Sabrina starts at cheerleading camp, leaving me with only six or seven kids at home this morning.

I had to go charge a new refrigerator as we've worn out three others this summer, bought at yard sales, they don't last that long with twenty something people constantly opening them. Sweet Sonny, late last night after church, moved the old one from the laundry room to the garage. I just can't understand how all that crap got behind and under it, as soon as I get kids where they need to be, I'll clean it up before the new one is delivered this morning.

Someone spit watermelon seeds over a fence at some point, a brave, renegade vine is growing there with a beautiful, tempting watermelon dangerously close to eye level for the little kids. We had a 'don't pick it yet' talk to Tabby, Nando, Jack and Scotty; not sure that the grandbabies will be able to resist.

Waiting on Hazel

No way to pose three grandbabies and get them all smiling when the oldest is barely three months old. But am I blessed or what? Hazel is Sarah's baby girl's name, due in a couple of months or less. From left to right here is Cindy Mae, Alana and Estrella.

I had most of my grandchildren here playing yesterday while Dr. Mandy spent the afternoon as well providing therapy and insight. Another example of our many blessings - Medicaid paying for the much needed psychological guidance.

Sharyn had asked for this recipe for Sarah's creme de menthe brownies, I was rereading her now ancient blog entry two years ago and snickering.

Sarah also discovered yet another way that marketers are chumping the American public. Is it me or does it all boil down to self-discipline? Just say no. They can't make me buy this crap.

Since Larry King must have bumped his head and thought that his viewing audience cared about Linsay Lohan, he devoted an hour to her last night. I found another channel, CNBC, that nightly airs a program about money that fascinates me as much as Suze Orman does. Last night's interview about getting out of debt made me want to read the book and I carry almost no debt, granted I don't own much, but not owing is vastly more important to me. I just spent ten minutes trying to google what program I saw, no can do, gotta go...what was the name of that dern book? Sucks to be 53 with so little memory.

Vanessa got her learner's permit yesterday, three weeks shy of her 17th birthday, no hurry on my part folks. Sonny got a job, hopefully shaming my other unemployed older children, but more than likely not. He's been hired at above minimum wage for a lawn cutting business. I expressed my pride to him over and over yesterday. He started within hours of putting in his application.

I finished editing that manuscript - an interesting process I thought - but I was a little pressed for time.

Tony, Sabrina and I had crushed (food processor) up a bucket of tomatoes yesterday with jalapenos and made homemade tomato sauce to cover the red beans, brown rice and corn and giving it that earthy kick it misses in the winter. Lily picked interesting peppers that I couldn't identify from a pepper seed mix I'd ordered. Apparently they are cherry bomb peppers, my son-in-law Big Jose had chomped into a pile of fresh-picked jalapenos and promptly burned his mouth in front of the entire family. Duh.

Unemployed and Underemployed Young'uns

Should I search ebay for an oxygen mask or just buck up and wake up the air sucker, push him out the door to start job hunting or let him wallow for a minute or so? We have such a complicated, often tense and over-emotional relationship anyway, this stress isn't helping either of us to be able to get along with each other. I'm so irked in such a big, "I told you so", way.

Jose, Javy, Mayra and Martin have a 7 mile canoe trip today as a part of the Outdoor Adventure camp. Honey, I'll show you an adventure - try being me.

Math Camp again for my elementary kids and I'm taking Vanessa to get her learner's permit. Sonny's giddy over having his license back, so much so that he drove all over town yesterday putting in applications for more jobs while Edgar moped around the house whining.

I finally fled out back, weeding the big garden, talking to my goose named Buddy and watching over Tony as he learned to weedeat. He was super proud of himself, not known for his physical capabilities, this was a Big One to him.

My Moon and Stars Watermelon sure is a sprawler, its all over the chocolate mint that I can't now trim, entangled in the strawberries and climbing over an elephant ear plant. That kind of stuff makes me so happy. I wish I could videotape Nando's joy in the gardens, he picks buckets of everything grinning constantly and hollering excitedly, so happy that we can grow all this, seemingly without effort.

I had to put aside my $64 Tomato book as I'd agreed to help edit a manuscript. Time constraints closed in, it seemed too syrupy for me, a veteran of too many traumatized children's civil wars and internal battles, but there's been enough salt in the stories to keep me going, and I hope I'll be finished reading it all today. Indeed I ended up reading quite a bit aloud to Sarah...talk about a veteran.

Being the birth child to 38 angry siblings has been wearisome at best, now that some of the kids are older and moms themselves, it's easier and more rewarding for Sarah, but she's truly paid the price. If I have any regrets, it would be about what she's had to go through for the last 20 years, yet she doesn't complain, if anything she's pointed out how blessed we all seem to be for our many sacrifices. That's pretty amazing of her.

Jose fell apart on the ropes course yesterday, frightened and so overwhelmed that he did not participate, but he didn't act out...there's progress. Without the four older kids, I allowed the rest to swim in peace yesterday afternoon with four of my grandchildren joining us.

And DUH about sodas. Even diet sodas

"...to allow groups to confront challenges while exploring solutions and working as a team, developing trust and support within a group, and fostering a feeling of personal worth and accomplishment; and most of all having fun."

A description of the ropes course at the university where Jose, Javy, Martin and Mayra are participating this morning as a part of an Outdoor Adventure Camp all week. Using my 2006 tax return we qualified for an 80% reduction in fees. Duh, I call it blessed, and the four kids are thrilled; already gone for the day.

Six other kids are going to Math Camp this week. The guidance counselor has generously arranged for this. Sabrina's cheerleading camp starts on Thursday so I'm running my butt off.

Sweet Miss Judy brought by a ton of notebook paper yesterday for back-to-school and a bike for Martin, all the while expecting a grandbaby at any minute. I'm so excited for her and Jill.

I'd tiptoed into age 53 yesterday, keeping it quiet as me getting older, or celebrating anything, causes loud, greasy, and sloppy emotional meltdowns all over the house. I have a strong 'no presents allowed' policy in place anyway, but Sarah'd made me her creme de menthe brownies that are truly decadent and worth every single fat gram and cholesterol raising moment. I have to hide them at her house and run over there to eat them. They are absolutely out of this world, three layers made from scratch, she needs to blog as they are truly to die for. Sweet Daniel barrelled in the house yelling, "Happy Birthday!" and spent the afternoon with me. Edgar got fired from his job before I woke up the next morning, topping everything, but it's so his own fault. He knows it, accepts responsibility for it, and doesn't need me to verbally beat him up about it.

Vanessa received a job related thud as well; not lethal but bitterly biting. Her register was short, she was demoted to back drive through window. She may act like a witch all too often, but she doesn't steal....ever...I can say that with total candor and assurance. She came to my room late last night to tell me, upset and deflated, unsure and sad; wondering how I'd take the news. No hay mas remedio, nothing we can do about it, shake it off and go on.

Sonny'd snuck in a huge, new rose bush, wanting to plant it outside my butt-ugly new greenhouse, let's not call it a birthday present.

By nightfall, not swimming until 8, most of the kids had nervously figured out that I'm becoming ancient, and I'd been having to fuss at nearly everyone, I was so dadgum glad to see a tense day end.

My Cheap Ole Tomatoes

I'd picked this book up, cheaply of course, and I'm thoroughly enjoying it, halfway through it in one sitting. The guy is a superb writer and has his own website.

The San Antonio newspaper updated their tragic story regarding Four Feet Under and I'm going to mull through it on my other blog later today, one of their columnists also hit on my other outrage, when single mothers allow their homeless, unemployed boyfriends to babysit their children.

I'd blogged about how Sonny lost his driver's license last January when he'd received a speeding ticket, failed to tell me about it, didn't show up for court and then had a spitstorm to face, finally coming to me about it after Edgar had told on him.

Sonny surrendered his license like a man, took his lumps, depended on many of us for rides to work, went to his driving school punishment, paid some huge fines and costs, and not once ever tried to drive illegally. Well big whoop one might say, but if one knew Sonny, knew his previous issues one would be mightily impressed.

I'd talked stuff over with Dr. Mandy, how when one attends school under the EBD (Emotional Disordered Behaviors) label, a parent or a teacher might not truly understand the cloud that a kid is under, there is the blurred wall that literally prevents learning. Dr. Mandy explained to me that now, with age and maturity, and I understand that his attachment is so secure now at age 21, that I should be expecting to see vast amounts of progress and I am. But what if Sonny had aged out of the foster care system? Where would he have been? An angry young man with so few chances to ever make it. Claudia and Bart have had some heartbreaking posts lately regarding aging out and what in-utero alcohol abuse has done to our children.

We made Sonny a cake yesterday to celebrate his emotional victories and the return of his license. He earned our pride and I am extremely proud of him. His girlfriend, Erica, drove him out there to get it taken care of, then he drove to work for Chuck's company, returning home to our obvious pride in him.

I've never been tempted to quit on Sonny, not for a minute, I've been discouraged at times but he's been a pretty great kid of mine that I've adored since I first met him. Other kids are tougher, my jailbirds, have stretched my commitment pretty thin but again Claudia's unilateral commitment should be read by parents like me, an important reminder.

Although I'm super serious in my quest to reduce my carbon footprint, I cracked up when I read a comment by a man who's being divorced by his environmentalist wife, "I just went home and turned on ALL the lights."

I read another recent quote about how a lady felt so rich yet she couldn't buy time or sleep. Obviously I'm not rich but I understand her consternation over both factors. My days are flying by, it seems as if I've just crept downstairs to read and write during the early dawn hours and then boom the sun has set and I'm thinking about all that I didn't accomplish plus I never feel like I've slept enough.

I'm eating at least a dozen bell peppers, tomatoes and baby yellow squash each day in my lettuce-less salad; Sabrina'd picked two buckets of bells only to have the other kids slice every single one up and eat them like candy yesterday. I'd sent Monica and Carolina home with a bag of tomatoes.

The man with the greenhouse, what asweetheart, he was supposed to be getting up his 200 acres of hay, but he called and said he could deliver today. Sonny had just been getting the Bubbas to help him move a pile of rocks for the third time over the last year or so as we've used them on various projects, but certainly not fast enough to get them all out of the way before we started on yet another plan.

My darling son-in-law, Jose, has learned how to install ceramic tiles and was replacing the eight that we've shattered in our kicthen plus another eight under that new/old sink that looks like a horse trough, like Jose doesn't have enough sheetrock repair to do around here? He'd looked at the ceiling that was dropping chunks, the holes in the hallways and in Scotty's room, muttering how he'd once been caught up here, just months ago. Tell me about it, son.

If Joey's not lying to me, then I'm impressed that he'd holding down two jobs right now. No one on earth feels more strongly than I do that the devil makes work for idle hands. Quite a few of my kids have held down two or more jobs at a time while others like my son-in-law Preston pull 12-14 hour days. Chuck, Big Joe, Big Jose, Sergi, Sonny, and Cristy, just to name a few, work two jobs while others up their hours, add clients and take on more and more responsibilities...way to get ahead kids.

Sonny helps me constantly. After the greenhouse arrived, he'd set it up, enlisted Javy, Martin, CW, Chuy and Pepe (little Jose) to dig up the dirt, Monica and Dewayne brought the baby by, asking when Laurena and Natalie would be coming (hint hint, girls) by while I cooked up barley, ABC pasta and corn with a tomato sauce doused with jalapenos and grated cheese then we all swam until dark. Big Jose swimming with the kids, acting like one, Sergi joined us, then Carolina dropped Baby Yolie, Blanca and Mauri off to swim. Little Tommy, 3 next month, sat with me, watching his dad cavort, uneasy and unsure, knowing my kids make every event into a rough and tumble experience.

By ten last night, everyone was leaving, I was settling down some exhausted kids thinking that summer, without the violence of last summer's explosions caused by Joey and Fabian, is all I ever hoped for.

Now I'm off to Saturday yard sales...

Happy Birthday Jesse!

While at Martin's orthodontist appointment I browsed through the classifieds and saw a used greenhouse for sale, a landscape job that I told Sonny about, and a computer one for Daniel. I later googled this greenhouse and saw that it had an original price tag of over $3000.00

The guy was selling it because his wife wasn't using it and he sold it to me for pennies on the dollar plus he's gonna deliver it to us. Unbelievable, another example of God's provisions for us. The pictures here are of a new version, the one I'm getting has been heavily used and weathered and has several areas that need fixing but I am absolutely thrilled with it.

Our area had several Friday yard sales and Jack as usual spent a dollar and ended up wth tons of toy trucks, Tabby got a free Barbie jeep because the battery is dead to it and I got a Foster Cline book I'd wanted to read, a hardback for a dollar. Nando got a brand new bookbag, a spiderman pillow and Tabby got shoes...all for hardly more than a dollar total.

Lily's Art Club ends today, they've made birdhouses and marionettes and there'll be a puppet shoe this afternoon.

Joey's in contact with me, he's working and trying to act right. Pardon me while I hold my breath, everyone else here is trying hard also, not to let the back-to-school anxiety take over. Fabian lost his trip home for the weekend though and Alex has had a very rough time, calling me last night, I'm going to try and bring her home soon to see Monica's baby. Alex and Monica have always been emotionally close to each other.

Happy Birthday to my very handsome son, Jesse, who I am immensely proud of, and I'm wishing he didn't live 1000 miles away. I'm glad Lena's there for him, she's so good to him. My verizon cell is down again, it hasn't worked since Monday so I can't call Jesse unless I go off our dirt road where I do have reception. Jesse, I love you and I miss you.

I have a bunch to blog, but Monica's on her way over right now.

College Progress and Plans

After I'd taken the initiative to fill out Miriam's college application and she'd received a date to take a placement test, she'd dragged Sonny along with her as she often does, not ever wanting to go anywhere alone. While waiting for her to take the test, Sonny took a huge initiative that I'd not even thought of, much less suggested. He went to the office there where he'd once taken that same test, got the results, talked to some folks about the next step, and made some phone calls.

Now both he and Miriam have an appointment next week for another evaluation that will give them the remedial math that they both need in order to be accepted at the college.

Again, we're so blessed both to have a fairly inexpensive local technical college plus an awesome university and a county adult literacy program run by an inexhaustible woman who works with kids who need remedial help such as my son Big Joe. He'd done this several years ago as well. Other kids of mine had taken Math 98 and 99, English 98 and 99 in another local college before they'd gone on to 100 levels. Hey, we gotta do what we gotta do. I'm proud of them for doing the remedial courses.

I was really amazed to learn of this when they came home, Lord have mercy, it looks like progress is coming. "Sonny, I'd work at McDonalds to pay your tuition if that's what it took." It is worth every penny just to up his own self-esteem. Studies have shown that college graduates earn more than a million dollars, over their lifetime, than high school graduates. Why would I not want this for my children? There's tons of financial help out there, I feel it is my job to find it for them.

Sonny was not emotionally ready, even one year ago, for this venture. Now he most certainly is. He's served his time, his driver's license suspension, he didn't act crazy and drive anyway, he wisely waited it out and it's another level of my pride in him. He's been here for more than 12 years, yet our biggest gains have come within his last three years, between ages 18 and 21. He emotionally struggled after high school, he floundered somewhat, running through jobs, exploding sometimes, but never getting into any kind of serious trouble, overall he's done quite well and turned into a man that I'm proud of every day. I don't have to tell him to go to church, he goes on his own, soaks it up, takes notes, helps out there and here at home. He wants to make Jesse, his older birth brother, proud of him. Jesse's pride means more to him than mine.

An answer to one of yesterday's comment: Jesse's birthday is tomorrow, he'll be 25 and did not have to share his birthday after all...at least not yet.

Claudia's husband, Bart, blogged about their fears for one of their sons. This is a fear that I share about Joey as well. Right now I know where he's working since they've now called me twice, apparently he was late yesterday. He's using our phone and address even though he lives in the next county. Both Sarah and Edgar have seen him around town.

Joey is now under Intensive Probation which is good, he needs it. I am so firmly on the side of the law that Sonny knows I would not have supported him driving this last year, nor allowed Joey to break any of his conditions (if I'd had any control over his choices). Sonny, at age 21, can still live with us because he's law abiding but Joey needs to make his own way right now in the world. I still love him very much but I won't enable him at all.

Alana's Arrival

I could not immediately get to the hospital yesterday as my young'uns were having a group conniption fit about me going anywhere, I'd cooked a big supper and had several babysitters here, but figured I'd just wait until Monica was closer to delivering before heading out and leaving the squabbling here behind.

After 12 hours of labor, calling me at 10:15 last night, "Mama hurry, she went from 4 to 10 cm during this last hour, she's pushing now."

I jumped in my go-to-town clothes and my truck and hightailed it to the bright lights of our little nearby city in time to spend the next couple of hours encouraging Monica to push.

Alana GinaMaria was born after midnight weighing 6 lbs, 14 ounces. The nursery nurse cracking on me, "Well this is your second one in a month isn't it?" I didn't mention the third one that'd been born across town recently but they knew I still had another one coming in a month or so. Dewayne, Monica's husband, proclaimed the four new grandbaby girls 'The Fantastic Four'. So far Cindy Mae, Estrella and Alana are here...no pressure Sarah.

Gina, (Maria) Cristy, Dewayne's mom and Monica's sister-in-law all got to witness this miracle last night. I don't care if this is my fifteenth grandchild, I'll be just as thrilled when I see my one hundreth one.

Monica had a tough time yesterday and she did an awesome job.

Waiting

A common refrain around my house, "You're not an only child, you know," as I hear some odd comments at times.

Jesse opined, "I don't want to share my birthday," when he heard Monica's baby was due that day.

OK, Jesse, look at this girl. Do you want this poor thang to wait any longer? She's about to explode as it is. She's at the doctor's office right now, 3 cm dilated, will she have it today? Stay tuned Jesse, actually I'll call you when I know.

SummerTime Bliss

Martin and Chuy have been making pillows for some reason lately, setting up an Arts and Crafts Department in Chuy's room, they'd made pillows for little Cindy Mae and a Braves pillow for me.

I'm bringing in tons of tomatoes and peppers each day by the bucket load and we're eating them all. I'd have to go out and count again, but I know I planted around 100 tomato plants that have survived the drought. I give them away to my grown kids also and I'm wondering if I'll need 200 plants in order to have enough to can each year?

Not a big deal, plant and mulch 'em, very little weeding involved since I have so many wood chips tucked in around them. Must be 50 pepper plants, I should have at least enough jalapenos to jar up, but I'm eating most of the bell peppers fresh immediately while the kids treat the cucumbers like candy.

I have a very diversified planting system so my blackberries are interspersed all over the big back garden. Tabby, Nando, Jonathan and Jack are serious blackberry hunters, each evening collecting as many as possible; now the blueberries, that weren't wiped out by that late frost, are coming in thrilling the fruit gatherers.

For some odd reason my ceiling is buckling in the living room, it's close to 30 years old, and my son-in-law has patched it over the years so I'm thinking of taking it down and putting up beadboard.

It's been so quiet and extremely pleasant lately. Everyone seems to have their sights set on future goals and plans, school is looming ahead and not unpleasantly so either as our county has such a great school system and the kids know they will be treated well there, a contrast to their many moves while in foster care.

Sabrina especially, still fairly new (less than three years here) a teacher, Miss Ellen, made her day yesterday when I read aloud an email saying she missed Sabrina and her sweet smile. Her cheerleading camp is fixing to start next week and she so thrilled about it.

There's a possibility, I'm working on paperwork from the rec dept, that a few of my middle schoolers could go to an outdoor challenge camp next week. I have to show them my tax return which indicates that we qualify for financial help (duh) and the potential kids are fairly excited about it. This even includes a Ropes Course that I so admire. Miss Kim and Dr G had also sent me a financial aid possibility so I'll do some paperwork this morning and pray this works out for Javy, Jose and Martin at least, maybe Mayra.

Last night Javy thanked me for getting him to church camp, soccer camp, Forward 07 and possibly this upcoming camp. I don't get a lot of thanks around here and it was so sweet. I wish I could afford to take them all to the beach but hey we're blessed to have our pool, the kids crave our structure as in, "Mom, what time are we swimming?"and "What's for dinner?" repetitious questions all day everyday just because they can, knowing they'll get a reassuring answer. OK sometimes I snap and reply, "Ham, Spam, Chicken and Lamb," after I've told the first dozen or so that obviously it's black beans and rice while I stir them on the stove. Heck, they've been asking since breakfast.

Carolina and Jose, with their five kids : a newborn, an almost 3 year old, 7, 10 and 12 years old have already downloaded their school supply lists and have finished their back-to-school shopping. I'm stunned and amazed, heck she just gave birth two months ago, but Baby Yolie, Blanca and Mauri are raring to return to school. My Jack thinks they're nuts. Who'd want to go to school when one could stay home and swim, play in the creek, run with their Bubbas, ride bikes and not have to sit still all day. Mayra got up a huge soccer game with everyone last night in the front meadow, this is the life.

And Pobrecito, Jack got stung by a bee yesterday, hand all swole up, icing it and milking it for attention. "Now you wanna go to school?" I'd unhelpfully asked him.

Vanessa is loving her job. We've set up some goals such as put it all in your savings account, we'll open her a checking account soon, buy a car and finish school this year, something that can only be done with some on-line electives, but what price success?

Daniel, Cristy and Saray are most of their way through college with Jesse and Miriam joining them this year. Sonny wants to take a few classes at a technical college which I'm encouraging and then it'll be Vanessa. Edgar still working, gone all day 12 hours a day, learning to manage his money. He and Miriam need some impulse control brakes on their spending habits, but at 18 and 20 what do I realistically expect?

You wanna know? I expect them all, Fabian, Teresa, Joey and Alex as well, to do the best that they can all their lives. I expect them eventually to all be law-abiding, church-going, home-owning, educated, tax-paying citizens who take care of their families and are content with their lives. Don't tell me this can't be done because we're doing it. It just takes longer for some of my kids but I have an extreme amoutnof faith in each of my children.

I want the best for all of them, I have to be patient and never lose sight of the goals when we go through the challenging times. These are minimal positive expectations and if I believe the kids can do it, then eventually they start believing as well, especially when they see me hanging in there with them, not giving up, always seeking help and resources, and continuing forward no matter what.

I love them all so much.

However this ceiling sucks. "The sky is falling!" hollered Chuy, while Sarah sarcastically remarked, "This is a metaphor?" Nah, honey it's my reality.

Four Feet Under

This is a horribly disturbing article from San Antonio. Don't read it without being warned. But so what if it is upsetting?

It went along with the lines of a conversation I had with Jesse yesterday. We don't know the "whys" about anything, we just have to do what we are called to do, and trust God along the way.

There seem to be no answers in some situations.

I'd again explained to him why I was done adopting, I want to spend all my time with my 39 kids, my grandkids and as many generations as possible...but what about all these other kids?

This is where Adopt America Network fulfills a need in me to be doing something about an issue, or where the response I receive from blogging helps me understand that I'm helping others to hang in there, letting them know they aren't alone in these peculiar battles that only adoptive parents seem to fight.

I have adopted several kids from San Antonio and I've matched several sibling groups from there into other families as well. There, but for the grace of God, went my children.

Was God's grace not on the other kids? Of course that's not the issue, but the other kids needed parents, social workers, police, foster care parents and later adoptive parents to be there and everyone failed them for various reasons.

This grieves me tremendously.

If you didn't read this article, maybe you should force yourself to do so, maybe you have a partial solution? Maybe you know someone who is close to becoming a foster parent and needs you to encourage them? Maybe, something? Anything? This article just represents one city, this happens everywhere.

Everyone can do something somehow to help someone in some way. Children everywhere desperately need help.

One of the hardest working, most dedicated social workers on earth sent me this link last night. There are so many people, like social workers and police, working to protect and care for children, yet the need is so great.

Slumber Party

The view from the end of my bed last night, doesn't show either Lily, Jack, Paloma or Tabby who'd joined the slumber party. Just the five boys, who'll remain nameless but are ages 10, 11, 11, 11 and 13.

Javy, Mayra and Sabrina are home now, maybe the younger kids'll get their sea legs back...

Preachy

Sarah'd told me that she was feeling too preachy in her blog. To this I countered, "Nah, you're expressing yourself only, not judging others, this is just what you and I think. Others are free to think as they want. Duh."

I received several positive comments and emails about my opinionated diatribes, you know if folks don't like what we write, they'll go somewhere else for their reading enjoyment while I stay hung up on such cool stuff as this. Or this lady's impressive steps.

How weird is this anyway? To be obsessed with simple living while surrounded by accumulators? Kids who've been deprived all their lives and now want stuff that is their own? I understand that, I just have to teach them balance and inner strength; to the point that who they are isn't dictated by what they have.

It's interesting to listen to them as they follow me around, fascinated by the garden, or the compost pile or the chickens. Garage sales are interesting treasure troves, they don't see me trolling the mall for goods and they don't see me needing artificial entertainment venues, like the dumb Nintendo systems that they adore and that I'd picked up yet another one of at a yard sale yesterday for pennies on the dollar.

Lily and Vanessa had selected some outfits yesterday, once very expensive name brands, now discarded by someone's trendier desires, looking smashingly gorgeous on my girls who are already so beautiful. Lily, with her artist eye, can put together some stunning color combinations.

Sonny turned 21 yesterday and his girlfriend, Erica, who I super admire for her work ethic and great attitude, came over for cake and to swim. They are about the two lowest maintenance people I've ever seen, no need for drama and high-octane emotions, I really like that about them both.

Tabby's learning about picking strawberries, blueberries and blackberries, not buying shrink wrapped hard balls of tasteless so-called fruit that has been shipped for thousands of miles burning fossil fuels. We've had a drought and we had a super late frost last spring so our amount has been reduced, the figs still look pitiful, but that's life. The peppers and tomatoes have rebounded tremendously and I'll soon been canning and freezing two tons for winter.

Calm Skies

Is this a harbinger of my life to come? A day when I'll only have 14 kids at home? I know that someday this could be so.

Right now Martin and Jose are my oldest at home since I'm not counting Vanessa, Miriam, Edgar and Sergi as they are low maintenance. Edgar and Miriam are gone for the day while Sergi and Vanessa have to work. Sonny and Deysi don't count either for the moment, not does anyone else as life is so quiet right now.

Sabrina, Mayra and Javy don't come home until tomorrow, and 10 out of the 14 remaining kids slept upstairs, sprawled everywhere in my room, jumpy that our family seems so small, they do not find it as comforting as I do.

I took most of them with me to yard sales, Vanessa finding Ralph Lauren clothes for a dollar, a new desk and lamp for her room while Jack scored with his usual pile of toy trucks. I made a lunch date for when my kids go back to school with a friend of mine and we recycled a truckload of cardboard which makes me feel good about life.

I just ate an 8 pound salad of tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers; refreshed and happy, the skyies are overcast, I'm bebopping out the back door to work on a new strawberry bed for next spring.

Is it really possible to live so calmly? Maybe, at least for today it will be so.

And This Is The 21st Century? Where's the Progress?

This burns my butt in a big way.

"A doctor tells the PAP news agency that 12 hours after he was born, the boy had a blood-alcohol level six times the legal limit for driving. That means he was drunk before he was even born. He weighed five pounds, seven ounces at birth.

Doctors say the baby will likely suffer permanent neurological damage from his mother's drinking."

No kidding???

One of my children, now 11, came into this world the same way and he is undeniably damaged...his speech, his size, his coordination and his brain synapses...and it could have been prevented. This didn't have to happen.

And his partying birth mom doesn't give a crap. All four children were similarly damaged, only one appears relatively unscathed. She's also an inhalant abuser and HIV positive and her kids, now my kids, are paying the price.

Paloma?

My family is upset with three kids gone. Mayra, Sabrina and Javy all are not here until Sunday afternoon, having a well-deserved, fun time with our church youth group. They are all good kids, strong leaders in our family, the three oldest of the youngest 17.

Tabby is unglued.

Almost all our bedrooms were empty last night as the remaining children piled up in rooms together, acting as if it were WWII and western Europe might bomb us. Tabby woke me at 3 in the morning, crying that Paloma was missing.

What?

I flew downstairs, heart pounding, yanking up covers in all the empty beds, thinking all sorts of scary scenarios. I woke Vanessa up, her room so messy that a den of wolves could've found shelter, "Is Paloma in here?" the tone of my voice jerking her from a deep sleep. Two double beds in her large room, Miriam on the other one never budged.

I ran upstairs to the boy's wing of the house, 5 bedrooms there with only Jose snoring alone in his room, Edgar also sound asleep as I checked everywhere. I didn't want to wake Edgar up, knowing he needed to get up at 5 for work, but I was right noisy in my frantic search.

Seven kids had dragged mattresses and sleeping bags to my room, tonight there'll probably be a dozen or so.

By then I'd awakened Tony and Jonathan and was back in the back bedrooms thinking I might have to call the police when I found Paloma curled up into a tiny ball on Lily's daybed. "What is wrong with you?" I hollered "Why'd you scare me like that?"

She was so sleepy she could hardly think, "Tabby was crying for Memaw (Sabrina) so I came in here to get away from her."

Probably only five minutes had elapsed since I'd been jerked out of bed.

Sonny'd been dozing on the living room sofa, TV blaring, but he'd helped us search, worried and sure I was gonna explode with fear, it took me hours to calm back down, another night of little sleep.

I waited for dawn, watching the Weather Channel, jealous at the amount of rain flooding Texas, while thinking about a cool solar energy email I'd received from a lady named Amy.

Nerdy Spreadsheets: I love 'em

Tommy, recently dethroned by Estrella, spent the other day playing over here and cracking me up. There is just nothing like seeing the world through the eyes of a child.

I pulled out 48 months worth of electricity bills and nerded me up a spreadsheet. I think we have terribly high electric bills, but when one considers that our household rivals the size of a cul-de-sac somewhere with 7 families, our bills are relatively conservative. I also worked out a spreadsheet, years ago, of the amortization of my mortgage, plus a payoff chart, and certainly of our monthly budget (for over 20 years now). While this may seem excessive, I truly know of no other way to manage this kind of family without plans and goals, charts and spreadsheets. I need to keep my eye on the goal(s), written down, dated and aimed for constantly.

All our light bulbs have been changed over to CFCs and now I'm bellyaching to everyone here about the phantom loads, let's work on this, and I have a number in my head of kilowatt usage that I see as our attainable goal. My new chart broke it down by the year, the month and the average daily usage. When do I have time to work on stuff like that? Stolen minutes between events, time spent not watching TV or whenever. Everyone finds time to do what they want to do. Get up early when it's quiet and I'm old and can't sleep anyway.

"If every American home replaced just one light bulb with an ENERGY STAR qualified bulb, we would save enough energy to light more than 3 million homes for a year, more than $600 million in annual energy costs, and prevent greenhouse gases equivalent to the emissions of more than 800,000 cars."

These are procedures that I'd love to teach to my kids, ya can't just blunder through life; you gotta have dreams, plans, goals, your own guidelines, money management, responsibility and a fiscal year. I found a goal sheet I'd written for myself in 2001, I've done it too, all 20 on the list, erring only in my personal weight goal. I'd wanted to keep it under 130, thought that sounded about right for a woman my height, and I've kept it way under unintentionally. Don't think, for a minute, that I'm getting anywhere with my kids, they just look at me and my charts and spreadsheets blankly.

We've had about two periods of 10 minute heavy rainfalls, back to back. It's amazing what just a little bit of rain can go for my mood and for the gardens. Tabby was skipping and singing, up and down the paths, finding blackberries everywhere. I don't row crop, I intersperse the plants for ecological diversity. Tabby and Nando thrilled to find Japanese beetles and carry them to the hens, I'm not thrilled at the discovery, but happy with the kid's plans for the destruction of them.

The church youth group is headed to Forward 07, all my sixth graders backed out, preferring to stay home, Martin as well, but Javy, Sabrina and Mayra leave today for the adventure.

A big "I Told You So!" to Vanessa. She'd initially balked at working at McDonalds. How uncool, she'd told me. My responses bordered on 'who gives a cwap?' This is a learning experience for you. Sometimes I feel that my 90 cents an hour plus tips at Shoney's in 1971 taught me way more than college did about life. Vanessa admitting to me that she likes her job, finds it interesting, especially in dealing with the public. She hears that Mama Tape Loop in her head as she struggles to remain polite to irritable, hungry customers when it'd be so much easier to coil back and strike.

My big back garden is just too large to get a picture of, I'm standing on the second floor deck off my room trying to get this picture and it only captured the front 1/3 of it.

I went to sleep up there giggling as Vanessa watched some Discovery Channel show about an exorcism that scared my Bubbas. They all camped in my room and Martin, out of the blue, informed me he didn't care if I blogged it.

A minute later, "Dude, Mom my teachers read it though."

Two minutes passed, "Never mind, I moved up to seventh grade, it's OK, you can blog that we're scared."

I'd worn Big Joe's J-Lo sunglasses yesterday up to the pool since I couldn't find my Wal-Mart ones. Every single kid asked me about them, as it is highly unusual for me to do something different. They crave predictableness, even Yolie was somewhat taken aback by the constant reference to the sunglasses. How easily she forgets what I live with. The high level of nervous anxiety bubbling over constantly is surprising.

Jose, not one of the Bubbas who was scared last night, reached out to hug me at bedtime, something he has never done in five years and one month. He sorta hugs me back when I hug him, but he's never reached for a hug first. OK, Chuy you're next.

Carolina's kids came over last night so that she could get some things done, yeah right, with a two month old? Jack had to share his new truck that Ms. Carr had given him, listening to me, "You're not an only child Jack," and grudgingly allowing Tommy, who is almost three, to push it around out back while Sonny and I worked in the rose bed.

My friend Emily's dad sent us some squash, Vanessa showed Carolina how we fried it with Vidalias and cajun seasoning plus fresh jalapenos in a black skillet. Carolina is an excellent El Salvadoran cook who's picking up distinctly Southern traditions over the years, always very curious about Sarah's amazing culinary skills as well.

There's nearly no way for me to grow enough stuff around here. My Black Eel Zucchini is overly prolific yet there's so many of us. We must have a hundred tomato plants yet that won't be enough for everyone. Next year 200 plants? Should I plow up the meadow?

More

Before I forget which I will do by tomorrow, Yolie put some new adorable pictures up.

I read a superb article on the top ten financial mistakes.

I was sent an inspiring link from Patty in my comments section and how bout this guy?

Becky spurred me on with this article

And I heard yet another heartbreaking adoption disruption story about kids not bonding after several years. Yup, I've got one ten years later who doesn't really care about me, but I care about them...sometimes that's enough.

And Ms. Carr is headed to Africa tomorrow, probably that's the only person in the world that I'm jealous of right now.

Kilowatts

I'd used this picture on my other blog, Martin had taken it Sunday while Edgar hollered from the sofa, "put your arms down by your sides, you're not a model."

Duh, son, this is my arms crossed, don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining, position. Another nice shirt from a bag. Yolie came over yesterday wearing an entire outfit from a bag (Thanks, Miss Becky and Colby), while Sarah, who'd blogged yesterday, bemoaned the fact that maternity clothes don't often appear here. A rebuttal: I did too like that pie, I just can't eat sweets in the morning.

Again last night, rain predicted, I got all hyper and excited, listening to impressive thunder rolls and not a dadgum drop fell.

Somehow though I have a counter full of tomatoes, Nando taught Ray how to pick them yesterday and the two boys ran in and out of the house, dragging in bowls they'd picked, as excited as if they'd birthed the 'maters. Speaking of which, Monica is 3 cm dilated, ready to birth, worrying me with her 40 minute distance from the hospital.

Paloma'd picked the cayennes before they were ready, mollifying me somewhat with a large pile of wild blackberries while my beautiful antique roses, an entire large garden area that Edgar had helped me plant when he was 13, not a bloom in sight due to this drought. Survival happening only because of the mulch, I'm only watering that which we can eat.

My latest nerdiness involves a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet chart I'm making showing our monthly kilowatt output, needing to drastically reduce it in order to ever go solar powered around here. This is interesting to me, no fascinating even, as I try and figure out how to accomplish this long standing dream of mine. So what if it's gonna take years, I got 'em.

Barn Kittens

Tabby and her niece, Courtney, tamed a barn kitten this weekend, reminding me of when Daniel spent days one summer trying to coax a feral kitten out from under the old house on our property, finally victorious. He must have been around 8 at the time, he'd play outside coming in with flies buzzing around him like that character Pigpen on Peanuts, dirty and exhausted, but accomplishing his mission each day of satisfying his blazing curiosity over everything.

I've slowly been reading one of the nerdiest books ever, The Earth Moved: On the Remarkable Achievements of Earthworms, always amazed at their abilities to improve soil. The author, Amy Stewart's fascination with her subject is enthralling, she's drawn me in even though it's slow reading for someone like me with zero Science background, she makes me want to subscribe to Worm Digest, I'm learning about Worm Woman and vermiculture which has always interested me in my garden periodicals.

My own gardens have huge worm populations thanks to the tons of compost, woodchips, leaves and other mulches I've applied over the last 15 years on this land.

Last night before Jose had his emotional explosion that resulted in pancake batter slung across my kitchen, he'd had a lucid moment, "What're you reading now?" he'd asked as I sat for a moment, wanting to mentally escape the turmoil in which I reside.

I read him the description of Stewart's indoor worm's joy at digesting fruit peels: "Their greatest delight is melon; I've given them the scooped-out insides and the skin, and they've devoured it all, leaving nothing but the seeds, which I've sometimes found sprouting in the castings, as if they'd decided to try a little farming themselves." Italics mine, as I was giggling over this thought.

Jose grunted after I read it to him, not at all amused, probably thinking anyone who'd try and raise him would find that funny. See what I live with?

I didn't get any garden time yesterday other than running outside and picking peppers and tomatoes, plus a handful of strawberries and blackberries. No wonder my nerves were shot over Jose's craziness...politically incorrect, yet perfectly apt description of his mood swings, always over nothing at all.

Water fell from our sky. That nearly screams for an exclamation mark if I were so inclined. It rained for an hour, I watched out the window in amazement and gratitude knowing we are still in a deep and serious drought.

Hotel Bonvecchiati

My newest grandbaby, Estrella, already at 11 pounds, the beneficiary of a Open 24 Hours A Day Milk Bar. My daughters have all nursed their babies, through mastitis, and other learning experiences, they've given their children the best while automatically eliminating the manufacturing costs of producing synthetic formula, no cans to then have to recycle, no plastic bottles, no cost, no waste, and no gas used to go out and buy more. And the health benefits are more then documented.

I'd read a recent article, something about 840 millions of gallons of gas used a day in the U.S. If we all eliminated a day of driving, the fossil fuel savings would be fabulous. I try every day to eliminate going anywhere. Sarah and I were talking, she now has the Let's Not Leave The Farm Syndrome, coming over here doesn't count as our properties connect, who would want to leave? Well, except for the constant blowups over nothing by the kids who don't realize how good they have it. Duh y'all we have a pool, food, shelter and land.

I'd made my favorite summer salad all week. A large stainless steel bowl (just for me) with 6 chopped up tomatoes, 4 or 5 chopped bell peppers and a couple of cucumbers along with flax seeds, sunflower seeds, grated cheese and balsamic vinegar drizzled all over it. Now that's living. I'll eat it everyday for lunch for months and crave it all winter. No restaurant could do better, I'm happy here. Another large stainless steel bowl of wild blackberries plus my Navajos for dessert.

Because I'd planted a mixture of pepper seeds, it's a constant picking wonder as yesterday I realized that I also have chile rellenos. I put those in my salad also and one hot banana pepper. The rest I am gathering to make the sauce the kids are clamoring for already.

An email from Amber about organic gardening...how I'd learn to do it? From my mom, grandparents, books and seed catalogs. I read seed catalogs like novels or the way normal people might read fashion magazines.

This morning, in a vain effort to keep my just showered and scrubbed feet clean for church I put on a pair of dazzling white house shoes with the words Hotel Bonvecchiati. I've already answered over a dozen alarmed accusations of, "Where you'd get those?" as my hyper-vigilant young'uns struggle with the fears that I either flew to Italy last night while they slept, and they know that I might find that I like it better over there than here with them, or that I went shopping in a boutique, the likes of which exist nowhere in this county.

No amount of, "from Miss Becky," is calming them down. Until I spill coffee on the slippers or walk outside and get garden dirt on them, only then will the trepidations fizzle out.

See what I live with? And the most suspicious one, Edgar, isn't even up yet...

Third Day of Work

Our $2.00 deal today.

One of Nando's silver teeth came out today, surprising some of my other children who had a weird notion that his grill was permanent. Those are baby teeth y'all.

Day three for Vanessa at Mickey Ds. Edgar and Miriam have taken turns driving her to and fro since Grandma and Pa aren't here and I'm out of babysitters. I can't hardly leave Mayra, at almost 14, in charge of 16 other kids without my parents here. I have to load everyone up and go.

Vanessa did babysit this morning so I could take most of the kids with me to yard sales, Edgar perched on the sofa, on the internet, patently uninterested in babysitting, just here for a show of force should it be necessary.

He took Miriam out to dinner, leaving me only having to cook 8 pounds of spaghetti...I do see the light at the end of the tunnel even though my youngest child has yet to start Pre-K.

Reading

ADHD to the core with an emphasis on the hyperactivity, I'm reading a dozen books at a time.

Great yard sales today that I'd blogged about here.

Putting pressure on Sarah to blog about her adventures yesterday at The Healthy Gourmet but I sidetracked her with a pile of new cookbooks, good move slick. This link is not for the store she visited, but an interesting one nonetheless.

She'd run into Ms. Carr at the grocery store yesterday, flattered to see a printout of one of her recipes in Ms. Carr's hand as she searched out the ingredients.

Vanessa is sailing through her new career at McDonalds. I'm teaching her to not say, "Do you want venom with that," nor "You know this coca-cola can put you into diabetic shock," as I seriously doubt that'd boost her rise to management.

What to do?

I vomited my utter frustration here and Sarah updated here.

Life Lessons

One of my main theories regarding child raising revolves around believing that a busy kid is a happy kid. Bored kids seek out trouble. We have enough trouble as it is.

Vanessa is soon to be over her head in time challenges. Successfully completing two courses in summer school, she faces a lack of three electives that are needed before an anticipated May 08 high school graduation. Plan B involves on-line courses recommended by her high school guidance counselor who is wonderful.

Vanessa is not adverse to this plan at all, it'll take all her free moments but it'll also teach her the concept of delayed gratification. I'd once read an article proclaiming that an inability to delay gratification was also a common denominator in the prison population. Hmmm, then I'll concentrate on this here within my family.

She has been hired at McDonalds which is really good news. Miriam still works there, she's been employed there for a year now and made (plus spent) thousands of dollars. Edgar also has been at his manufacturing job for a year now, making good money and having great benefits.

Vanessa followed me out to the big back garden last night, detailing her money plans and goals which were impressive but will be difficult to stick to, however she's a pretty determined kid. We talked about her time demands now, how I won't allow her to use a job as an excuse to not study. "Duh honey, it'll be your social life that suffers."

Of course she's already on restrictions for 1) sneaking out of the house one night and 2) running away for that week. I'd also taken away her cell phone. "Well I'll buy my own!" she'd threatened.

Have at it honey. That's truly been my goal, it's called financial independence. Jeepers.

So while I rail at our fast food nation, eating dead cows and sucking down brown chemicals (coca cola), Vanessa will make money off people doing so. A dichotomy? A contradiction of my values? Or a stepping stone to her desire to one day become a chef? I prefer the latter, this little job of hers will teach her, as did my original career start at Shoney's in 1970, that she doesn't want to be a minimum wage employee, that she needs to work hard to achieve her bigger dreams as she will now meet adults who did not finish high school and are subsequently stuck in dead end food service, broom pushing bottom of the barrel positions for life.

As she helped me clear a path, obliterated by hens seeking tasty bugs, Vanessa had detailed her food journey to me. Moving in seven years ago, raised not on whole foods but on convenience packs of crap, she spoke about her learned enjoyment of picking delicious fresh organic produce, how she now craves squash, onions, eggplants and fire-hot, burn you the next morning too, peppers of all kinds.

Darling that's only a small part of what all I need to teach all y'all.

A Ha!

And right along with my food paranoia conspiracy theories...this article was sent to me by Sarah.

Couldn't Resist

Robin L. in Texas... my emails are being returned to me...are you there?

Our New Thermostat

I am rereading Rural Renaissance, pretty much out loud once again to Sarah. Edgar, off work for the Fourth of July, reading and then texting me (since I'd taken the kids up to the pool) what he'd learned about emotional health in his Men's Health magazine. We must just wanna share I suppose.

I'd taken the kids up early, hoping to beat the heat but accidentally spoiling Preston's plans to swim with Ray. We were out of the pool by the time he came over to once again replace the hall thermostat that had been destroyed either in a rage or a wrestling event. This time Preston put up a slim version, hoping it'd last longer. It is digital, the only one in the house so I kept checking it all evening, fascinated.

Swimming early just mean everyone was hungry sooner so I was browning flatbreads, in my large black skillet, to wrap around pinto beans and had everyone fed, full as ticks, rubbling their bellies by 5 which allowed me an extra bonus hour to work outside.

Sonny'd bought sparklers for the kids and although we live out in the country, we could hear muffled booms around us as fireworks were bravely set off during our drought.

My five dogs, now as traumatized as the children, were knocking open doors to come in the house, skittish and upset by the noise.

Sweeping

We have a family angel that sends us Old Navy Gift Cards for the kids each Christmas and as I was shopping with some of my teenagers, allowing them to choose and budget their cards to make them last, I spotted a purse kind of satchel that I really liked. Surprise, as usually I don't even notice stuff, this was back after Christmas when the kids were shopping the sales. I checked the purse, murmured my usual, "Sky High!" comment and went on purse-less.

Yesterday Miss Becky brought us loads of great girl clothes and duh, yes of course, that exact same purse was there in better than perfect condition. Vanessa, Sabrina, Lily and Mayra went bonkers over excellent shirts, pants, and shoes. More coathangers than I've ever seen in one location, thankfully for us, as they don't multiply here like they do in normal homes, rather they disappear, dissolve or run away in fear and trepidation...we never have enough, ever. Thank you, Becky.

I'd let the kids swim for three hours, several grandkids here as well and my friend with her three kids. A great day where Jose totally kept it together, Jonathan shed his defiance, and Paloma was charming. After supper I went outside to work and realized that even in spite of the drought, we'd picked peppers, strawberries, cucumbers, squash, blackberries, tomatoes and some blueberries.

I was sweeping between the rows, down the pavers that keep the raised beds separated and thinking how much more rewarding it was to work out there than in the house. Tabby was sitting on a chair next to me, chattering non-stop while I weeded, excited about Pre-K this year but questioning me over and over about the details of transportation, lunch, nap times, homework and bookbags as inwardly she fears any change with utter dread. I was constantly reassuring her about her schedule and the fact that her family won't change, just her educational needs.

Incredibly Cool Weather

Someone left the back door to Canada open, it was only 85 degrees here yesterday, so cool that I fell asleep sitting up at the pool, with all that racket. Sarah let me doze for about 30 seconds or so then woke me up, telling me I looked like an old man with my mouth hanging open while I slept. SO?

I must have really been exhausted as I slept nine hours last night. Emotions can wipe you out certainly.

We got an inch of desperately needed rain late Sunday night, I sat up listening to it with a big ole grin on my face, but knowing our area is still 13" shy of rain.

I'd had a long talk with another adoptive mom, I hope that I haven't acted like all is peachy keen once the kids grow up, as some of my biggest warfare strategic battles don't occur until age 18 or so. I find it particularly disheartening when they're in their late twenties and still don't have it together. Poor choices, bone-headed decisions and immaturity crappily combined to result in less than stellar living circumstances. The kids still think I'm mean instead of understanding how much I want the best for them, when they settle for less, I am dismayed.

Maybe, thinking about it all afternoon yesterday, it just seems easier when they're not here with me daily raging, but with phone calls and visits, the job of parenting continues in an often frustrating manner.

I've still not blogged about one of our major issues last year, last March, that took us a very long time to plow through. Some of this stuff just has to wait until it is less painful for everyone, we deal with bruised emotions at home constantly.

Wonder if someday I'll be completely bursting with symptoms of agoraphobia? I already don't want to go anywhere, I feel self-conscious that others think I'm nuts for living like this; 24-7 on High Alert, working my butt off, drowning in laundry, dirty dishes, groceries and chores. Every free minute finds me watering houseplants, working in the gardens or reading non-fiction, hardly a page at a time without an outburst around me. The rest of the time involves cooking, cleaning, nurturing, dealing with stuff and planning the next meal.

I hate to go to town, hate to run errands, simply prefer to be here working on something that needs it.I don't ever have panic attacks and my home is no safety zone for me. I just have so much to do here, this is where my fun and fulfillment is, my peace and contentment found out back amongst the plants.

Tabby, Nando and Paloma picked me a large bowl of blackberries that I munched while working, Paloma braving the briars of the second meadow, super intent on filling her bucket while Tabby remained among the thornless varieties in the big back garden where I was working, constantly distracted by our barn cat's kittens that pranced past the chickens.

Viper Girl, as usual on edge, feuding with Miriam, being hateful to everyone else, sabotaged a job attempt yesterday by accidentally on purpose, forgetting to pick up her worker's permit. That's alright, I have Plan B.