Thursday, November 08, 2007
It's a Hope Issue
Paloma made this pillow for me last night, her way of showing love since she never speaks it aloud to me. That's OK, I'll work within the constraints and needs that she has, I'm grateful for the demonstration this evening.
Waking up before four in the morning, I figure it's because God wants me to pray for someone which I did, for several people as they came to my mind, but I couldn't go back to sleep as my mind starts racing before I even touch coffee. I can't blame my two roosters since the windows were shut.
I came downstairs to drink coffee, read my Bible and think. I'm thinking my down mood lately has squirmed out of a dark hole of hopelessness. Why try so hard with such damaged children if they're going to just end up in jail or on the streets? Why compromise my health and my own sanity, why spend every penny I have, make so many sacrifices, endure hardship, criticism and slams for nothing? Why bother?
I read about this crusader and am linking it before I learn if he has lost his hope.
I'm so angry at the system here regarding Danielle's potential move. Very angry. She is so loved and the system is going to punish her for that? I'm so deeply angry on her behalf and for all the children who are treated this way constantly.
These are the children who are moved countless times, jerked around for nothing and the very fortunate few who end up being adopted will still rage for those who once loved them...or never loved them. These are the children I'm parenting; this is where they cane from figuratively. Danielle needs to not be moved. Period.
Kari's struggles highlight every adoptive parent's walk through the system. Do you think there were sober birth parents?
Hal Lindsey's books spoke to me strongly 20 years ago. I should get off the sofa and go find it as I highlight stuff, but the gist of it was how many days one could go without food and water, yet how strikingly few days a person could survive without hope.
I've tried not to overly quote Scripture for fear of offending folks or driving them away from my blog but I gotta tell you...I won't read my own blog if there's no hope. I went to a concordance this morning and found 291 references without even using hopeful or hoping. I read many of these verses to build my faith which has not wavered. Only my sense of hopefulness for the future has often been threatened What comforted and strengthened me this morning came from Romans 5:
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
So even though Jonathan had a meltdown in school and I had to go pick him up and later JoJo was hateful, and Scotty and Tony raged-over-nothing which should become one word in my lexicon...I'm not going to lose hope. If I do, I'll just rebuild it each day, praying for strength and wisdom, and remembering I'd do all this just to have the grandchildren - a generation removed from foster care - to remind me that life is good.
Ray and Hazel remind me that Sarah blogged again yesterday.
There's an old picture on my living room wall, when I only had 11 children in the early 90s, and all of the top row has now either completed college or will do so this year...eight out of that original 11, and that keeps me going. I'm holding Daniel here when he was seven years old. In this picture, he's the youngest, now he's 22.
I had my original very dark hair and an unlined face, I was 38 and hopeful, life got really, really hard, then we spent many years in relative calm. Life is full of mountains and valleys. Duh, Cindy, that's where one builds character, hope and perseverance. Maybe I should find a Bible version directed at hardheads like me, slow learners who need to step back and comprehend what's really going on? See why I pray constantly for wisdom? Lord knows I need it.