Someone recently suggested that I had too many children, that I might do a better job with less children. I've always maintained that there is too much of me to go around, it's good to have me diluted.
Yolie chewed on that and decided to write a guest blog:
"While I certainly do not speak for my entire family, and the number of children is high, I have witnessed on an almost daily basis the love and affection given to each child. I have seen miraculous turnarounds in some of my siblings as they go from not wanting to be touched or hugged to being cuddlebugs and telling Mom that they love her on a daily basis. Of course, there are bound to be very difficult times in any family. It just so happens that in a family our size, those difficult times are on a bigger scale than that of a "normal" family.
I view mom's decision to adopt me and to continue to adopt as a gift from God. If anyone reads her blog carefully, they will notice that she is very clear on her love for her children. She gets hurt, she gets angry and (as she is HUMAN) gets very frustrated with us sometimes, but all I ever see at the end of it all is her hope and determination to help her children as much as she can. I, too, consider myself "normal" right now. I have a happy life with a great husband and child. I know, though, that if I choose to adopt one day, my life will dramatically change.
As an adoptive parent, you deal with issues, anger, rage, sadness and so many more challenges that ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. My mom is the target for so much hostility and that is not how most "normal" people live. I can say this because I have been one of the ones who has targeted her in the past. I was mean, hurtful and bitter toward her without any regard for how she must be feeling. I was so wrapped up in being angry that I never stopped to think that she indeed loved me. Now, I know that not everyone in my family is on good terms with my mom right now. Out of 39 kids one wouldn't expect everyone to be happy all the time. The question is, though, are they unhappy with her because of something she did to them, or because of something they did to themselves or was done to them, which she had no part in? What I wish everyone would consider is that when our lives here on Earth are done, as we our taking our last breaths and looking back on all we did for others and how we treated people, will we be happy with our contributions? Will we have spent more time being angry or making sure we said our piece, or will we have spent our time being positive and uplifting to people who are going through a difficult time? I know I will forever regret the time I spent estranged from my Mom. When I look back on that time, I wish I could have it back. Personally, I just don't think it's worth it to be mad at someone all the time. And in the end, I think the vast majority, if not all of my family, even if they are "mad" at my mom for something, know that she loves them. So, if someone loves you, why waste time...she will not be here forever and I hate seeing her be dumped on so much.
As a fomer adoption caseworker I know the difficulty in getting a family to adopt a sibling group. In my personal experience, I was on the verge of being separated from my brothers, which would have devastated me for the rest of my life. If my Mom had not shown up, willing to adopt all three of us, my fate would have been worse than even I can imagine. After us three, my Mom adopted larger sib groups, all of whom were (in the adoption world), extremely hard to place groups. Should she have just sat there, as God was telling her to move forward, twiddling her thumbs and hoping someone else would parent these children? I think not. She chose to parent, and in exchange, chose to live a difficult life, but she will be the first one to tell you what she would do it all again because she loves all of her kids and thanks God for them every day. What more should be asked of a mother?"
I cried when Yolie sent me this today, I was on my way out the door, with a grandbaby on my hip, for a DJJ appointment, soccer applications in hand, thinking, thing, and thinking about my day; what to do first, how was Sonny getting to his job? Did I have enough groceries?
I needed to have my back patted by Yolie today, out estrangement back then was very, very brief, I regret our wasted weeks also, I'm just glad and grateful that she and her siblings came into my life and stayed. We have eternity to look forward too as well. Indeed Blue Cross sent me a note today calling Daniel "my natural child"...something I've always claimed.
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5 comments:
Yolie, thanks for the guest blog. Your mom should be very proud of herself, as should you. You are both amazing women! ~Kari
Well, you know, adopting 38 kids does sound pretty crazy on the surface... ;-) But there are a few things your detractors should consider:
Adopting multiple large sibling groups may actually help dilute some toxicity and give kids a better perspective of how others live. Adopting a large sib group and a small one may mean that the small one is overwhelmed. (It can also overwhelm small #s of b-kids!)
Perhaps if we need to establish a limit for the # of kids you should have, we need to come up with a formula. It would have to include the number of hours per day a parent is home with his/her kids (hmm, you're an at home mome), perhaps the amount of land on which the kids can spread out, and the support system the adoptive parent has in place (your parents, your adult children, others). Yup, I think you're at the right number for you.
Your success rate so far is pretty darned good, too, I'd say, counting success as adult, functioning, kids who still accept your family as THEIR family, and most of your "in-progress" kids seem likely to be as successful as the already grown ones, from what you share here.
Reading Yolie's and Sarah's blogs makes it evident that your own words here are not one-sided; you're not painting a picture that no one else will substantiate.
Saying you have too many kids is like saying you have too much love to give. As long as your family is comfortable with its size it really is nobody's business. I find most people who comment on family size usually have small families and cannot fathom how large families work. I type this with one of my beautiful foster babies on my lap and cannot imagine going back to a small family size. I have five children right now and honestly my hardest parenting years were when I had one and two children. There are unique challenges that every family faces but that is part of being a family, learning, loving and growing together.
Thanks to Yolie for her words.
I think you summed it up by saying you were the only homestudy submitted on your kids. They need you.
Also, perhaps in a larger family setting the need for cooperation is greater, as is the opportunity to care for someone other than oneself. It must be hard to obsess about your own problems when surrounded by so much activity. And love.
You had my admiration when you were at 17. Now, well, suffice to say that I continue to be inspired on so many levels through your words here. I've learned much that has helped me in my understanding of my stepchildren and that is helping me firm up my future plans.
I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do!
There's definitely evidence that some kids with traumatic backgrounds trive in large adoptive families. The same kids may find smaller families too intense - too able to focus on any one person. Large families seem to give them the space they need while still providing support. It just depends on the kids and their background, and I know how carefully you chose your sibling groups.
And as Yolie said, with 39 kids, there's bound to be something going on with somebody at any moment!
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