Triggers

Disregard previous post concerning NO TRIGGERS on New Year's Eve. Once again I was wrong.

New Year's Eve

For the last day of 2005 I could sum up everything in a few carefully chosen wise words...if I had any.

I'm just happy that this day isn't particularly a trigger for my kids. With a promising 5-Day Forecast I am mentally plotting my garden chores for the week.

I picked up Edgar, Joey, Fabian , Gito and Vanessa this morning at 7 a.m. from a church lock-in that they'd been to all night. All five headed straight to their rooms to sleep. Miriam also has been gone on a trip so I had six less kids to contend with last night. However these were my more helpful kids.

Lauren, my niece, and I sat up talking after the other kids had gone to bed. I was, as usual, searching her face and her eyes for resemblances to Ellen. Unbelievably to me, Ellen's been gone almost 10 years now. I mainly see Kevin in Lauren.

When we were working in the bamboo yesterday I was pointing out the different culms and other trees and shrubs that had been chosen and planted by different kids. Martin wanted to choose another bamboo today from a catalog to show to his kids in another decade or so. Suits me, what better legacy?

I'd think about a New Year's Resolution if I thought I needed any more stress in my life. I want the same things tomorrow that I've always wanted...good health, contentment and healing for my children.

Visiting Ray Ray

Sarah just emailed me this picture of when, for some reason, Martin and CW had gone over to Ray's house. It must have been in the late summer or fall since CW was still so tan.




This aerial picture that Chuck sent me shows my house on the left and Sarah's on the right. It isn't like we live very far away from each other.

Nearly 4 years ago my mom dug up a sucker from her magnolia tree in Virginia, tossed it in a box and drove it to Georgia where it sat unplanted for several weeks as I tried to get all her irises planted down here that she'd stuffed into buckets.

Sonny noticed the sucker, then about a foot tall with half decent roots. He planted it where he hoped he'd remember not to mow it down, manured it, and mulched it beautifully.

It's now about 6 feet tall and Sonny and I re-manured and mulched it this afternoon while we were also tending to my different bamboos that I also love.

Yes we always over-manure and over-mulch but between our unpredictable stormy weather, intense heat and blazing sun, everything quickly rots down to dust.

Maturity is Over-Rated

19 year old Sonny, pictured here holding his nephew Tommy, is not particularly mature. Daniel, 10 months older, is nearly fatherly in comparison. Big whoop, my sister, Ellen, was more than three years younger than I yet infinitely more mature and responsible. Goofiness rarely matures but at least I became responsible with age.

Miriam needs to now act mature for two days as she is off on a high school wrestling trip as the manager of the team. I heard Bubba feet hit the floor this morning at 5:30 a.m. which was a good thing as I had to drive Miriam to the high school by 6:30 a.m. for her big adventure.

By that late in the morning my house is rocking with loud Bubbas and bossy Bubbettes.

My niece, Lauren, comes today along with her dad, Kevin. Lauren comes here from D.C. about four times a year and my children adore her. She is Ellen's daughter and has already outpaced me in the maturity range and she's not quite 17 years old.

Tonight our youth pastor, Bronson, is taking the high school kids for a church lock-in from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m.

Our weather will be warm all week which encourages my good mood but, interestingly enough, my kids are missing their teachers. In their minds, the teachers are all at school sitting at their desks waiting for their students to return.

Reality, like maturity, is irrelevant and over-rated.

Dumpster Diving

Had to carry off my worn-to-a-frazzle, dead-as-a-doornail old stove and refrigerator to the county dump. Who can resist perfectly good discarded metal chairs that can be repainted and used in the garden?

An article in the AJC today confirms a blurb I read some 20 years ago when I started taking chromium supplements. In a better world, we'd get all these necessary nutrients from our normal daily diet. Even as careful as I am about good eating, there is no way to eat good enough.

I'm so happy that everyone saved their Christmas meltdowns for today. Not.

Thursday

Yesterday Daniel set the Bubbas up on email. I think it was called Kid Safe Email and Martin emailed me (from another room) this picture of CJ.

I rarely blog much about my trips to the psych hospital to visit Alex. I think it is because there is never any progress to share and also because it all seems so sad to me.

Miriam and Edgar kept all the other kids while I was gone. We'd rented movies and they'd also gotten some for Christmas. Sabrina got 'Barbie and the Nutcracker Suite' so everyone was doing ballerina twirls when I returned home. Yesterday, in what we call winter in Georgia, we had thunderstorms and hail at my house plus 6 tornado touchdowns elsewhere in the state according to ABC News this morning.

Everyone is so sick of rich processed holiday foods that I made a supper simply of lentils. I had a huge salad of Chuck's mesclun with hot pepper cheese and I tried Sarah's vinaigrette recipe with some success. I watched 'Dumb and Dumberer' with Edgar and Joey and laughed til I cried. I have a moronic sense of humor anyway so this was right up my alley.

The weather will be warmish all week so that spurs me on to get the winter gardening chores done...just getting outside lifts my spirits in a satisfying manner.

For Christmas Grandma and Pa bought the kids two new trampolines. We've worn out 5 or so in 15 years time. Sabrina absolutely loves being on the trampoline and spends hours with mayra perfecting her back hand spring...whatever that is.

Christmas Gardening Break

I found this Lee May book at Goodwill last week for $2.00. I got up at 4 a.m. two days this week to read it in peace. Lee May used to be a garden writer for the Atlanta Journal Constitution newspaper and I always enjoyed his columns. In this book he and his elderly father expressed several of their observations such as the fact that gardening uses every one of your muscles and that good people garden; gardeners are basically good people.

It was 62 degrees today, something that hasn't happened here since December 4th. Sonny and I went in to one of the front gardens and spent all afternoon pulling up blackberry runner roots that were tangled in the yucca plants that stabbed at us like a hurt dog bites the hand that feeds it....or like my kids actually. Like I'm their problem?

We also got a thin layer of manure spread on that area. It's supposed to rain tomorrow so I always get happy thinking that the nutrients are being washed down into the soil all day.

I am headed to the psych hospital to visit Alex and work through her past difficult events. It won't be an easy trip, what with having to leave the kids, but Lena is going to come with me and that helps the time fly by on the 200 mile round trip.

Alyssa was waddling all over the yard trying to help me garden. If I don't get anything else across to my kids and grandkids I sure hope at least most of them end up gardening in some capacity. Those who have already bought houses are starting to do so. Chuck just brought me a mess of mesclun to eat that he grew this month.

My mom, my grandmothers and grandfathers were all farmers and gardeners. I'm not far out of that generation of poor rural Southerners that didn't eat if they didn't grow enough to eat.

In the school I worked at for 13 years I bemoaned the fact of all the teenage pregnancies then and now. I read a quote from somewhere that I wished I'd have said. It pointed out that teens today could grow a baby but had no clue how to grow potatoes. Why aren't we teaching them what they need to know?

That was a stressful school but I made some lifelong friends there. Amongst them was Millie who is now attempting to adopt an older child from Romania. She needs everyone's prayers to get the doors opened there.

Millie remembers when the Biggers were the domineering kids at home in the 1990s. Then they were all teenage girls that bossed around Joe, Jesse and Sergi. Now our dominating factor is the Bubbas. We have 2 Bubbettes, Lily and Paloma, and sometimes Tabby is referred to as a Baby Bubbette. CW, Allen, Martin, Javy, Jose, Chuy, Tony, Jojo, and Jonathan comprise the Bubbas and, as such, they outnumber us by the noise alone. Fabian and Gito once called themselves the Dubba Bubbas but that didn't stick.

So in explaining to Millie I suppose around here it just took too long to individually name the largest single entity of controlling influence in the house so inadvertently a name arose to save time. As in, "Someone go get the Bubbas for dinner," instead of "Where in the world did CW, Allen, Martin, Javy, Jose, Chuy, Tony, Jojo and Jonathan go when I just put all this food on the table?"

And even more confusing are the nicknames such as Pepe for Jose, or Bobo for Jojo, Dubby for CW, or Memaw for Sabrina. On the school playground, they'll use the different names but lately Baby Yolie, their 10 year old niece, has been asking her 13 aunts and uncles at the same school to call her Yolanda now.

Growing up around here, and even attempting to shed childhood goofiness, might be difficult what with so many witnesses to who one really is.

Grandbaby Headquarters

Daniel is holding Alyssa here, she is his birth niece. That doesn't necessarily mean that he loves her any more than the other nieces and nephews that he dotes on, but it is a significant level of security for him in that just as I raised him and his siblings, also am I caring deeply for his next generation.

When he wakes up this morning he will be thrilled that she is with me today. He usually asks me each morning if CJ is coming over. Sarah and Preston went to the movies last night and left Ray with us. Ray is particularly amused by Daniel as he thinks Daniel is just a Bubba with a deep voice since Daniel will take time to play with him.

Grandchildren like to come here to Abuelita's house as there are kids and toys to play with every single minute. I send grandbabies home exhausted at the end of the day. It's nearly impossible to nap here, you might miss something. Babies who have grown up here have perfected the art of napping through ear-wracking noise. To this day my older kids can sleep through jackhammers, parties, explosions and sirens.

Yesterday Daniel, Edgar, Sonny, Joey, Gito and Fabian helped me move furniture, rearrange computers and put the house back together after Christmas. Our extended family now is 70 something people counting grandbabies and in-laws so holiday celebrations are huge.

Daniel has put together several different computer parts that people have discarded and/or given to us and now we're in great shape for the school year to recommence.

It's going to be in the 60 degree range today so everyone can play outside (especially me) and Ray's coming over again later today also.

Maybe it's just me but for the last 20 years I have always, on some level, anticipated the next sibling group that I would be adopting within the next several years. I would always be thinking about how to expand, how to meet everyone's needs and how many more I could accommodate. My focus has changed and it's taking time for me to re-adjust. How much more time must it take for my children to re-adjust to stability and security? It's not that I lost my focus, it has just changed. So it must be for my kids also.

I still have 25 kids living at home so it isn't like I am bored. I am just thinking about the new year and all my plans, dreams and goals still to come.

I think I'll plant spinach today and put my raggedy green row cover on it for January. By the end of January my heirloom daffodils will be blooming out under the trees in the front.

Christmas is Over

We made it.

Scotty had the only meltdown which is way below our usual average. I saw the storm coming and put him in my lap and let him cry it out. He tried to put it into words. He explained how he had Christmas in Texas last year and now in Georgia. Left unsaid was, "what about next year?" In his short seven years, no two Christmases could ever be counted on. I pointed out that I'd had 51 Christmases with my mom and so would he. The other kids were pretty empathetic and told him about their first Christmases here also.

I pulled it off. Everyone is happy and satisfied. Daniel proclaimed it the most fun Christmas ever which really made me feel good.

Claudia had sent me the IMACS and the Bubbas are all so happy. Miss Jeanne from church and her office had outdone themselves in much generosity...and we have a new refrigerator.

I took a huge leap of faith and told Joey that I was finalizing his adoption to which he lit up like a 100 watt bulb and did not then act out at all.

This was my last Christmas with new kids. Next year Sabrina, Scotty, Tabby and Nando will be old-timers. My son-in-law, Jose, asked to wait a few years and then maybe adopt more kids? "No," is my final answer. I want to be available for my children and my grandchildren.

Christmas Tatoos

I must have dated a hundred or so guys in my life yet I never, not once, dated a man who had a tatoo. Now I find myself, on Christmas, seeing my son, Joe, and his new tatoo. Joe is 22 now, what can I say? He pays his bills, takes care of his daughter, works hard and makes me proud.

No one has gotten a tatoo while living in my house.

The highlight of Christmas, for me, was when my 24 year old son, Sergi, called me from Japan. We talked for an hour and it was wonderful to hear his voice. I was telling him about all the kids and Joe's tatoo when he informed me that he'd also done the same while in the Navy. He got a tatoo on his chest with my full name and words to the effect of 'love forever'.

I was speechless and then my first thought was, "Guess you better not ever be a fugitive because now your last name is branded on you."

He gave me a heart-warming rendition of how much he loved me and how I am the only mother he ever remembers or claims. Missing him so much we were both crying, but I did point out that there are way less painful ways to tell me so.

Joe now claims that he's going to get 'Big Mama" tatooed on his butt. I'd rather that he didn't.

A Christmas Eve Surprise

After 11 years of marriage and 4 children now ages 10, 7, 6 and 1, Jose surprised Carolina last night with an emerald and diamond anniversary ring. He made a nice presentation to her in front of the entire family.

Christmas Eve Pictures

Christmas Eve Crowd Shots

My Movie Date

Vanessa, Edgar, Fabian, Jack, and Miriam all took turns helping me finish up the shopping yesterday. In this small town it seems to take longer because you see people you know and have to stop and talk.

We'd had a fairly decent time since the other choice was to be at home with Pre-Christmas Uproar Kids.

But wonderfully superb things kept happening to me yesterday.

A lady, a friend of my dear brother-in-law Kevin, works for a corporation and she had a beautiful, brand spanking new refrigerator sent to us since our kitchen one was broken. We'd been traipsing out to the garage for weeks to get milk, etc. My children were staggered by this generosity. They watched the fridge yesterday like a TV set.

I was supposed to drive 100 miles away to get my 16 year old from the psychiatric hospital but after we'd driven 30 minutes, my cell phone rang, and the hospital had decided she was too unstable and violent to be allowed to come home. It is a long sad story and we turned back around feeling terrible for her. I received two more very long phone calls during the day regarding her behaviors and issues.

Joey was gone from our family for 49 months in intensive, psychiatric placements from 2000-until the end of 04. He did not have my physical support nor could I attend therapy in Texas with him. He was told he'd be allowed to return to us if he improved but there wasn't all that much contact between us. On his own, he worked, he struggled, he failed, he improved, he persevered, he imploded and he exploded, he maintained, he destructed, etc...but eventually I was called by Pam who absolutely insisted that I give him another chance, at least a home visit as I have his three siblings. I relented very reluctantly, but thanks to Pam's refusal to back down when I threw up all sorts of arguments, Joey's home. I pray that someday Alex also will get better.

Daniel works constantly on other people's computers and a lady nearby sent him home loaded down with food yesterday that we will serve tomorrow for Christmas. Absolutely loaded down.

When I finally got home at 6:30...still not done...Vanessa had fed the kids fish sticks for supper, they were hyper and glad to see me as Christmas shopping is about the only excuse for me being gone that is acceptable. My son-in-law Jose, who owns a drywall finishing business, has spent hours patching holes in my walls for us. By 7:30 all the little kids were in bed calming down.

The icing on my cake happened then when Daniel took me to the movies to see King Kong. Edgar went with us while Miriam and Vanessa babysat sleeping young'uns. I was so excited to be out that I was hyper during the entire 3 hour long movie, we didn't get home until almost midnight. It was a Friday night, date night in a college town, and my sweet 20 and almost 19 year old sons took their mama out. We had a blast.

Yolie's Interpretation

As usual, Yolie said it all. All adoptive parents should now click here.

I've spent all month describing what Yolie explains succintly in one entry.

Thank You Lord

Thank you Lord for warm weather. Today and tomorrow it should hit 60 which is blissful in December.

I'll have to spend four hours round trip today on the road picking up my 16 year old who is in a residential psychiatric facility. As usual, sweet ole Edgar, will accompany me. I splurged and bought myself a new CD, The Kingsmen, that I'm going to listen to all morning. It's titled, "The Past is Past." Hmm, how suitable.

My kids wouldn't go out and spend money on gospel quartets CDs but no one ever complains about listening to them in the van with me. It's such happy music. Once, years ago, when Sarah was in her alternative music stage, way too cool for us, hip and trendy (remember REM is from our town) she went with me to a Dixie Echoes concert at a local Baptist church and even she had to agree it was a rousing good time.

Joey and I went to another Dixie Echoes concert one time years ago when he was in the midst of his raging and getting kicked out of every facility available. This particular concert had not been advertised and was in a school gym with a teeny, tiny audience but they put on quite a show. Joey was hooked on Southern Gospel that minute. He still points out the venue whenever we pass by and blurts out, "Hey, Mom, remember when we went to that concert there?"

I can either feed my faith or put unacceptable thoughts in my head via music. I choose to feed my faith as it internally strengthens me to deal with all I have to cope with.

Last night at bedtime Javy was again verbally lashing out at everyone so tense is he regarding the holidays. He's 12 now, my height, and right on the cusp of totally giving me his trust. This is his fourth Christmas with me so I can see the light at the end of that tunnel but he was the oldest of his original sib group and, as such, holds the emotional reigns.

I can see in his eyes, past the anger and the fear, the sliver of a ray of belief that maybe I am who I say I am. I am as predictable in my responses as possible, so much so that I have slowly, steadily built up his confidence and ability to trust me.

But, right now, he has internal turmoil. IF he hands me that trust, he knows that he hands me the ability to wound him deeply. BTDT by his birth mom who was supposed to be trustworthy in his childlike mind.

In my logic-like mind, which rarely works in these situations, I could say, "Look son, look all around you at the kids who've gone before you and are still wrapped up in their life with Mama. They trusted me, take a chance."

But I need to empower him to be the one to make that decision, I need to not be offended that logic and evidence doesn't mean as much to him. I need to be grateful to my parents that I was never wounded so deeply.

In spite of my grandiose words here, Javy still needs to haul wood chips to a new garden area today as a consequence of his 4 am fight with Jose. He knows to only get me a few wheelbarrow loads, but I know him. I know that he feels ashamed for his hatefulness lately. I know that he'll do a very good job of that chore today because he knows that he'll earn praise for it. He needs that right now to keep on building trust that I am who I say I am.

What A Day

After an unimaginable tough day where it took all MY willpower to be civil to the most emotionally difficult kids on the planet, things have calmed down considerably.

Joey was oppositional to the nth degree over every thing to every one. I finally just sent his contrary butt to his room. I have not told him that I'm finalizing on his adoption. That kind of knowledge would send him into a tailspin as he'd make dadgum sure he made me sorry.

He was so glum at supper that Fabian asked him, "what's wrong with you boy?"

Joey sobbed like the two year old that he really is, "I made Mom mad at me all day," he sniffled.

How can you not adopt someone like that? Besides he's almost 18 and I need to make him legal.

After many conniption fits on my part we finally got the entire house as clean as I like it.

Carolina came over with a large plate of ceviche just for me and I am now a happy camper. I didn't even sit down to eat, just stood at the counter shoving it in like a construction worker.

CJ and Alyssa

It is so interesting and, of course, fulfilling for me to watch this next generation grow up. Joe's baby girl, Alyssa, is a 16 month old handful, much like Joe. Much worse than Joe, according to Tameshia.

CJ, Chuck and Yolie's son, is 6 months old, and you just can't stop kissing him. Yolie and Joe are birth siblings, they've been my children since 1991. They are now 25 and 22 years old and close as two peas in a pod. I'm in too good of a mood right now to recount the hell that Joe put us through in his teen years, now I am just grateful to have a warm, loving, attached grown man for a son.

Alyssa has amused me two days this week during my marathon Christmas and grocery shopping expeditions.

I was decidedly not amused at 4:20 this morning when I heard an ungodly scream, thud and crash downstairs followed by yells and thumping. I didn't even think twice, didn't grab my cell phone to call 911, nor even consider that I could be racing down in to any kind of danger. I just reacted and flew. I do remember thinking that my big boys, who could presumably help me, were way down the other hall and up a flight of stairs unable to hear me if I hollered. I also just broke the most important adoption rule: don't react...think first.

Jose, 11, and Javy, 12, were rolling down the cold hall floor in battle. They'd knocked a huge, heavy picture, that I inherited from my grandpa, off the wall and both boys were furious. What in the world can anyone be that mad about at 4:20 in the morning? I then got angrier than anyone as I'd been in a very deep sleep. They both stopped fighting and loudly wanted to tell me their side of the story. Ten other Bubbas had awakened and were poised to run get the big boys should I need them.

Y'all can wrestle all y'all want but I absolutely forbid hitting and fighting and they know the difference. I sent everyone back to bed but I made Jose go sleep in the family room. I was too angry to go back to La-La land where surely I'd been dreaming about something peaceful. It's difficult to sleep and fume at the same time. I watched the clock knowing that losing two hours of sleep would make me irritable all the next day. Ok fine, I'll hang with Jose and javy who just automatically lost all their privileges.

Years ago, I recalled, we'd heard screaming somewhere through the woods and up the dirt road late one night. Joe was then a large, strong teenager and so he and I went to investigate. I was driving and he was holding the cell phone while Yolie bellowed after us that we were being stupid and that a mom of 22 kids (then) didn't need to run into danger. Well I didn't feel we could just sit on the porch and listen to the bloodcurdling cries that we heard. Turns out we found nothing, we slowly drove up and down the dirt road, hearing the noise but unable to pinpoint it. Years later I figured it must have been a loon or a possum.

One night, two possums, either mating or fighting, in the compost heap woke up the entire family. Joe, Jesse, Sergi and I'd gone outside trying to figure that one out while our very dumb, lovable dog, Junior, stared sweetly and disorientedly at us.

I need my sleep, I really do. I usually sleep hard between 11pm and 6 am, waking up refreshed and raring to go. I'm going to be right fussy today. It's the first day of the Christmas Holidays for the kids and I still have too much to do before Christmas.



Someone just took this picture of Tabby wanting me to fix her hair. Notice my fingers pecking this blog post in the background and Tabby's blue stained PJs from her Smurf adventure a month or so ago.

A Blesssing

Yesterday a local government office went all out for my children. Two wonderful ladies brought us an SUV size load of beautifully wrapped Christmas presents.

My kids sat in stunned silence and behaved wonderfully well considering this is The Holidays. They were lined up on family room sofas staring with their big beautiful eyes in awe at the amount of gifts.

This means so much to me, more than anyone, as I struggle to pay the bills, cook for this many children, clean, do the laundry and the thousand other chores that need my attention on a daily basis anyway. Factor in Christmas and the emotional demands...I am constantly sleepless, out of breath, and busy beyond words as I try and get it all done. The kids are helpful, and are behaving reasonably well, which is the most help.

This wonderful lady, Miss Jeanne, had called to ask what the kids wanted and my darling kids were at a loss. We don't stress "wants" around here very much so busy are we constantly what with all the "needs" that take precedence. Mainly their "wants" correlated with their "needs' as many of them suggested clothes and the younger kids had some toys in mind.

This could be wrapped up bunches of bananas and my kids would still be happy. This generosity on the part of people, who don't even know my children, staggers my children. The kid's minds are consumed with the fact that the people who did know them, the birth parents, chose to not do anything for them. When strangers chose to help my children it is almost impossible for them to comprehend this simple fact...that most people are good.

So this brings me full circle to my soapbox of kids aging out of the system. I have 5 years, or 10 years, or whatever with some of my children to teach them about love, giving, commitment, trust, responsibility, etc. That alone is a full-time job. Obviously children who age out of the system do not have anyone committed to them. Yes, there are some wonderful foster parents who stick it out for years with children but, in general, the commitment of adoption and the lifelong bond it creates helps make caring human beings out of nearly destroyed children.

Yesterday I met one of the ladies in this office who is thinking about adoption. While I'd love to convince her to do so, unless she is internally convinced, it wouldn't necessarily work. I will encourage her though. I gave her the blog address as I hope I am painting a fairly realistic picture of the adoption experience. Yes, it is scary, difficult, demanding, exhausting, painful, stressful and HARD but, more than anything, this is rewarding for me. All the negatives constitute such a small percentage of the entire experience.

I wouldn't have chosen seven sibling groups if this were not fruitful and gratifying. I'm not a martyr and not an idiot. I love a challenge and I got a big one here. I'd like to encourage others to join me in this...if they feel called to do so.

I deeply appreciate the help I received yesterday as that teaches my children so much of what they need to learn. I am raising them all to learn how to give back something later in life as they have all been given so much...as have I.

Any Story That Begins With...

I was called by the Jose's teacher yesterday to come pick him up at school as he'd had an accident in his pants.

OK, this kid is 11 and he was giggling and sheepish when I got there.

"Jose, what happened?" I questioned.

"Well Pablo, Jaime and I were farting real hard and I felt something squishy in my pants."

Any story that begins with that sentence does not dignify an ending.

We rode home with the windows down.

It was so bad he took a shower with the bathroom door open while singing Christmas Carols at the top of his lungs.

The Way To His Heart...

Of course the beans did the trick. Edgar comes growling in the house after weight-training only to be brought up short when he enters the kitchen. My friend, Emily, was sitting there so all I got was The Look. The one that means I can't believe you are not going to drop everything and pay attention to me. He walked back through the kitchen with a sidelong sizing up his opponent gaze at me. I'm like, "Bring it on boy." He thought the better of it at the moment and went upstairs to emotionally regroup.

Everyone's noise drove Emily out the door though as nine or ten kids felt the need to bellow over nothing for absolutely no reason.

I'd not had the greatest day, what with all that Christmas shopping that I have put off until five days before Christmas. At Verizon I tried for the millionth time to explain to the young girl in the low cut blouse who was making goo-goo eyes at Daniel that Daniel should be allowed to make all the decisions on my account since we'd added his name years ago. They kept insisting that only one person can be on the contract but after I annoyed them enough they took my name totally off, ran a credit check on him, and made him the account owner. So I'll pay the bills but he's the only one now authorized to make changes or to handle the account. At least he'll be able to build credit without having to resort to credit cards. And I never have to step foot in that store again and try and figure out what they are talking about. I'm happy, he's happy and Verizon is totally relieved not to have to deal with me.

No wonder my sons are such macho roosters. But I do want them to be able to handle stuff while they still live here. I think their future wives should be thanking me in advance. After living with my antics, any other woman's gonna seem mild-mannered, reasonable and sweet-natured.

So Daniel even got us 500 more minutes a month at no charge, upgraded his phone, and fixed the kinks in Edgar and Miriam's phone.

Edgar apologized for Sunday's silent fury over nothing. He spent 30 or so minutes with me cuddling after the kids had gone to bed. He needs to work on his mama issues, He'll squabble with his girlfriend, he'll push me away emotionally and then worry that it is over, that I won't still be the mom. Sonny's girlfriend complained to me about Sonny's lack of trust in her. It's insulting to those of us who are trustworthy and I tried to explain to her where it stemmed from in Sonny's case. Again, it is so primal and such a profound wound when your own birth mom, for whatever reason, abandoned you. I'm not sure anyone ever fully recovers from that.

After 11 years, 19 year old Sonny absolutely, beyond a doubt trusts me. He knows that I am his mom, he has zero memory of any other lady parenting him but the scab comes off as he learns to trust yet another woman who potentially could devastate his emotional well-being. He and this young lady have been "going together" since he was 13, she goes to our church, and has a great family...yet still Sonny withholds emotionally. I'd be frustrated also if I were her.

My luxury is a TV in my room and at 9 or 10 every night I go upstairs and change channels in the most annoying way for an hour or so. My attention span is short and advertisements send me over the edge so my remote is my best friend. After nearly a decade of use, it expired on me last night. I run howling to Daniel's room, he works on it for 20 minutes in a futile attempt at resuscitation. If he can't make it work, I double dawg guarantee you it isn't ever going to work. Jeepers, TV isn't worth watching without a remote.

I saw two goats each the size of my Honda this morning in front of a house nearby. "Great, now I am hallucinating automotive goats,", I bemoaned aloud. Fortunately Fabian reassured me he'd seen them also. What a relief, Christmas hasn't totally sent me to la-la land.

Today it is Miriam's not-so-much-fun duty to accompany me on the shopping today as she is finished with her exams. Notice each child can only take a day of this, tomorrow Joey will attempt to keep me under control.

Sarah refuses to even try but she has kept me hyped up with her famous creme de menthe brownies. I keep sneaking off to her house for another one.

Boys

Joe and Alyssa



Don't even try and convince me that boys don't get PMS. When Edgar comes out of this spell of his he'll be mighty embarrassed at his girly snit for two days.

He ushered at church yesterday, looking as handsome as a Gap model in his suit with his hair all gelled just so. He always sits with me, not one seat away, but always next to me, in that macho way of his. After they took up the offering he came and sat 3 seats away very conspicuously, jaw set and I could read his mind, "Ha, I'll show her, I'm looking this fine and I won't sit with her." Sometimes he gets this attitude of he's way too cool for this particular family of ours. Considering how emotionally intertwined he is with everyone, this other side of him visibly cracks me up...much to his annoyance.

I withheld my snickers, that'd be too easy. Miriam was shocked, leaned into him and asked, "Are you mad at Mom?" That was as unusual as the sun shining at midnight here.

He nodded ever so imperceptibly and James Bond-like.

I reached out my hand only to be ignored. OK overture #1...and I don't even know why he is mad.

We get home, all the kids are starting their Sunday afternoon meltdowns in unison and I make overture #2 only to be shot down again.

I maturely slam out the door with the only four kids who are acting halfway normal.

Edgar is somewhat mollified later, for whatever reason, and deigns to not dramatically get up from the sofa (when I sit down) and flounce off. In our family, we call this emotional maturity and progress.

He sits at the laundry table later...silently as I fold clothes.

OK, good night, y'all...I've had enough drama for today. I flee upstairs and watch a Hollywood true story about the show Home Improvement. In the end, the actor who played Wilson died and I cried. Told you I needed to get a grip. I sobbed and sobbed, couldn't sleep and woke up this morning with swollen eyes and palpable stony silence from El Guapito.

Joe brought me Alyssa so that Tameshia could try and recover from her 3 day hospitalization due to meningitis. Lily couldn't find her shoes anywhere, Nando fussed about everything and we realized that yesterday was Joey's one year anniversary living back home with us. He told me this morning that he feels so much more alive and energetic after more than a decade on vast amounts of psychotropic drugs. He's bright eyed and hyper, but being hyper myself, that doesn't bother me.

So at 7 a.m. I'm ranting to Joe, now 22, about mercurial sons like he used to be. Well he still is but Tameshia deals with his mood swings and emotions, not me. Joe unsympathetically reminded me that I had a long way to go before I'd be through with the sullen pouts from the male half of this family.

Daniel and Fabian are going to help me commence with the Christmas shopping again this morning. Daniel is captivated by Alyssa so he'll be thrilled when he wakes up and sees she is here.

Since Edgar is still mad I'll get way more done today without him texting me every hour. I hope when his cell phone doesn't ring, he'll realize it's me not calling.

Luckily for him I'm fixing his favorite tonight, 12 pounds of pinto beans. Let's see him try and stay mad...

Martin went out of here grinning like a banshee over the beans, he wished aloud that I'd cook them every single night until he grows up. If I would do that, he claims, he'd live here forever with me. Great, he'll be 12 in February and I'll just end up with one more MOODY son.

El Guapito

Get a Grip

I've said it before...I've rarely had an original thought in my life, if ever. I am non-creative, no musical ability, not artistic and as clumsy and un-coordinated as a chubby toddler but I do have the ability to be inspired and lifted up.

These two books, both by Dr. Dennis Waitley, influenced me greatly. Many books have done so also over the years and I read coaching, managerial and leadership books often to build me up when I am starting to feel depleted.

Although I am busy and energetic, 39 demanding offspring takes it toll sometimes. Today seemed to be one of those days. Pastor Tony preached an oustanding sermon regarding Christmas...society's version versus the real truth of Christmas. An old concept surely but he personalized in such a meaningful way to me. Usually the better the sermon, the worse my afternoon will be. I may feel strengthened but it is as if the very demons of Hell attack my family in a very big way after each rousing message. If that seems to be the case, one would think I'd hunt for a church where I didn't get fed The Word so well so as not to risk cruddy Sunday afternoons? But that kind of convoluted logic would only deprive me of getting my batteries recharged the way I need them to be each Sunday.

All the kids came out of Children's Church tattling on Scotty and the two mile trip home was about as refreshing as riding with fire ants.

I absolutely had to start the Christmas shopping, only one week left and I'd not begun at all. Edgar was the first kid to get his rocking horse toppled at the thought of me doing something different. Usually Sunday afternoons are family time and by the time I got out the door at 1:30 he wasn't speaking to me. Fabian, Martin, Jack and I hit the road and by 4pm we'd grocery shopped and finished 6 kids on our list.

When I got home, Mayra, Allen, Sabrina and Tony had written a story on the computer titled, "Queen Cindy: Mother of 39 Kids" The entire first half of the story made me sound great but then "one day Queen Cindy had to leave her family behind and they were very sad. But then she returned and everyone was excited and they lived happily ever after." Except Edgar who still isn't speaking to me.

I wasn't a bit more through with reading this story and feeling bad for shopping for their presents when Chuy and Jonathan exploded. Raging, spitting, screaming, hitting whirling dervishes. Sonny and Joey had to stop them from hurting themselves, each other, or anyone else. Paloma, their birth sister, came unglued and added to the uproar. Tabby stuck a pumpkin seed up her nose and forlornly told me she'd been crying for me while I was gone.

I was sitting in the living room with them, adding up the store receipts on the computer, balancing my checkbook and writing down what I'd spent for which kid. All this while cooking pasta and waiting for the storm to subside which it did eventually. Jonathan sobbed in my lap, Paloma attacked Gito for no good reason, and Chuy laid down and slept from nervous exhaustion. Merry Christmas kids.

But while I was wondering internally why I bothered to even attempt good things for the holidays, I received an encouraging email that put it all back into perspective for me. I heard from her what I needed to hear when I was forgetting the point of my life...helping hurting children to heal. Who said it'd be easy? Aren't I the one who tries to remind others how difficult the holidays can be? Is this my calling only when things are good? Get a grip Queen Cindy.

Since I am obviously stressed out Miriam, Vanessa, Mayra, Fabian and Sabrina are being overly helpful. They are treating me like a daypass patient from a residential mental facility...like I might blow at any minute. The rest of the family seem to be following me around with matches to better light my fuse.

This is going to be a very long week......

Lentils

Although I should have gone Christmas shopping I cooked seven pounds of lentils. Miriam adores them, said she used to just eat them with salt and a piece of bread. Her six siblings still do that while the rest of my kids grate cheese on top and use crackers.

While I was cooking and stirring my big pot on the stove, Edgar, Joey and Fabian walked inside from the front porch waering only their boxers. It's 44 degrees outside, I've got on thermals and sweats so I ventured a stupid question, "Where's y'all's clothes?"

Edgar looks at me with his 'are you serious?' gaze and replies, "Duh, on the front porch, muddy and wet."

Apparently, at their ages of 14, 17 and 18, they'd gone down to the big creek. Suits me for several reasons. Fabian needs Edgar's attention in a very big way and, fortunately, Edgar is stepping up to the plate. These boys could have been asking to go hang out somewhere but they don't.

Last year when Fabian's behavior was deteriorating due to his rages and uncontrollable anger, it was his older birth brother, Edgar, who was in despair. Much like Yolie's grief over Joe's unruly adolescent doings, Edgar took Fabian's explosions to heart. Fabian and Joe both hated the way they made their older siblings feel (I was merely a byproduct at the time) yet it was truly unmanageable for them both to contain their fury and tantrums.

An adoptive parent is the catalyst, or is the lit fuse, often for these emotions when adolescence hits. Our love is hard for them to bear as they fume internally that the birth mom failed at it for whatever reasons. While they are attempting to push us away with their wrath, they also alienate their siblings which heretofore as been their only source of strength and comfort. Then they are even more enraged at themselves and usually escalate their explosions. By the end of last summer Edgar was ready for me to simply box Fabian up and return him anywhere but here...like I had that option? Fabian was emotinally destroyed by Edgar's now lack of love.

What Fabian has since seen is Edgar's total support. I don't make Edgar come with mne to The Ranch for family sessions, that is my job yet Edgar wants to come, he wants Fabian to be successful and, if anything, Edgar verbally participates more than I do. Even Vanessa, our resident permanent PMS child, has shown Fabian her love.

Fabian has been very affectionate with us all this week. I was bathing the 16 kids under 12 who don't do a good job of it when left to their own devices and Fabian, without being asked, swept the family room. Sergi used to call it brooming. "Want me to broom it mom?" he'd ask in his squeaky voice that I still miss every single day as he serves in the Navy now.

Edgar went from his early morning Mom-snuggle time to his rooster in the barnyard bossiness later. Joey decided to be the difficult one today although Gito gave him plenty of competition. Daniel tended to Chuck, Yolie and I today, helping Chuck and Yolie with a surprise birthday party for Chuck's dad, and then renegotiation with Verizon for me, later IMing with Claudia to get the IMACS running that she and her sweet husband, Bart, had shipped to us from way up north. Daniel's basically been thawing them out and asking Claudia for passwords.

It's been almost 2 days and out Christmas tree is still standing but Tabitha is totally incapable of not touching. She keeps putting ornaments in an Easter basket and pretending to be the tooth fairy as she is obviously holiday challenged. Man is she in the right house.

I don't care if they shampoo the tree with henna highlights, in barely one more week it'll be compost.

Christmas Tree

Sonny, Fabian and I got a $16.00 Frasier tree yesterday at Lowes. Fabian decorated it before the kids got home from school yesterday. I use the term 'decorate' rather loosely. He strung lights and stuck up the ornaments that we didn't break last year. Heck we broke 3 yesterday alone.

There is a lady a couple of miles away in a large beautiful house who decorates 16 different themed Christmas trees throughout her house each year. The stress of that would give me a heart attack. Christmas decorations remind me that it is cold outside. I like a nice creche, but this other stuff does nothing for me.

My room is upstairs at one end of the house. You just walk up that flight of stairs and you are in my room, no door, no wall, just open so I heard the rumble and roar of an inordinate amount of feet galloping down the long hardwood hall floor to go turn on the tree lights before 6 a.m. this morning. Eight pairs ran upstairs to tattle.

Miriam came in at 11:45 pm the night before from an away high school wrestling meet that she manages and I had to have her back at the high school at 7:15 this morning to return to Atlanta for the Saturday meet. I need her here to help me get ready for Christmas but, more so, she needs the high school social/managerial/sports connection. A child who once helped Edgar take care of the other five kids younger than they, she needs time to be a teenager, not a mother's helper. I try and encourage those who can to be active at church and school, to learn those social skills, to be a teenager without parenting responsibilities.

Daniel finished his UGA exams yesterday after studying his butt off. Speaking of responsibilities...we've left him alone so he could study but his honey do list has grown. He is the computer genius and the cell phone guy. I'd lose my Christian witness if I had to go deal with Verizon wireless. He'll go renegotiate our contract, upgrade phones, and so impress them with his understanding of the fine print so he'll come away in great shape while I'd just splutter, fume and holler if I had to deal with it. This guy watches tech tv for fun and reads instruction manuals like novels. I'm really grateful for all he has done for me over the last almost 15 years. This child was 6 when he came, a mini-adult, with a voracious curiosity about the world and an intelligence to match. I have always been almost awestuck by his abilities.

Our town is so small that I already heard that Daniel had made a bank deposit yesterday, left his stuff on the counter (no doubt while fantasizing about his Jeep that he totally paid for in 16 months) and had to come back inside. He was on the east side of town at that branch but he's so dern good-looking that the teller had called Marcela at the downtown branch to tell her how handsome her younger brother is.
This picture was taken when he was 18 in his senior year. I spent ten solid years cheering him on in high school football and baseball plus Little League baseball. Yolie rarely missed a game either. I remember one mom remarking that Daniel turned out so well because he was one of my birth children. No, this sweet child was adopted from some very tough circumstances along with his siblings Yolie and Joe.

Tameshia is still hospitalized for the menningitis, Joe's tending to Alyssa by himself. He had to miss work yesterday which I felt bad about but until we know if this is bacterial or not I don't want to risk any more children being exposed.

This is Joey's second Christmas back home with us. I have decided to finalize his adoption but it's not something I should make a big deal about as that would only stir him up in a way designed to make me regret my decision. He's such a complex young'un; a big ole baby in a 200 pound body.

CJ and Alexander

Ain't life grand.

Electricity

"While electricity was quickly restored to some, outages by early evening still totaled 260,000 in South Carolina's upstate, about 170,000 in North Carolina, 55,000 in northeast Georgia and 34,700 in the Atlanta area."

Nine times out of ten, that figure includes my dirt road. The entire county can have power except where I live. Several times we have gone an entire week without power which absolutely sucks. Imagine 25 people needing to go to the bathroom and we have well water so you can't flush the toilet without power to suck up more water from the well.

Thanks God we did not lose our electricity yesterday. When I picked Fabian up, they'd lost their power but had built a fire in the fireplace. What is there about winter for anyone to like?

I received my new Parks seed catalog yesterday so I have hours of reading before me.

But before I allow myself that luxury Fabian and I are going to get a Christmas tree. In 1996 and 1997 when CW and Lily were born we bought a four foot high live Leyland Cypress tree and planted it in the meadow when we were through with Christmas. They are towering trees now. I'm going to find another one today to represent the first Christmas of my final adoption.

I pray that Fabian maintains his delightful attitude throughout these next couple of weeks. One snarling child can easily infect our entire family with a bad mood. I am trying my best to keep everyone upbeat through this time.

My kids like to be home, they have yet another week of school, and last year I could barely get them all to return to school in January. Our home is their cocoon.

Claudia keeps a gratitude journal and I continuously pray popcorn prayers of gratitude over our family, a warm house, everyone's health, available food and all our other blessings. Sometimes it is way too easy to get sucked into the whirlpool of negative emotions here as the holidays sometimes frighten my kids, I'm treading water hard to hold everyone up.

Uncool

In case my children had any doubts about how uncool I am...which they don't...my playlist on the ipod would confirm it. I have all country gospel, 10 hours worth of the McKameys, Gold City Quartet, Vestal Goodman, The Cathedrals, the Dixie Echoes and much more foot stomping, hand clapping, happy shouting hymns to make me smile.

Who needs cool when one is happy?

Ice Storm

Mom called me at 6 a.m. this morning too sick to take Dad to Atlanta for a neuro-opthamologist appointment so I had to take him in an ice storm after I got the kids out the door. Halfway there I was called to come get Fabian early as The Ranch is in the foothills of the mountains and school was closed due to ice. They'd lost their electricity as well. I was on the road for seven hours straight in an ice storm and answering phone calls while also getting text messages. This 51 year old can still multi-task.

We could hardly drive down my dirt road this morning for the bent over ice enclosed pine trees. Sonny, Dad and Fabian had to cut down 5 or 6 already. Tomorrow it'll be shirtsleeve weather again and I'll ponder for the 1000th time how plants ever survive in Georgia what with swelteringly humid 100 plus degree summer days down to the icy conditions that assault the plants as well.

I was waiting for a very important call which finally came. One of my dear friends was finally matched with a waiting sib group of five African- American boys who should not have had to wait this long. I've had this family's study in on these guys since August. They should already have been living in their new home for months but the reality is that it could take another month for all the paperwork to be completed. These boys have no idea how blessed they will be in their new family and what a blessing they will be to their new parents and many siblings. I am nearly as excited as the new family is.

Yolie was calling me to tell me that Tameshia was in the ER being tested for meningitis which came back positive. We won't know if it is viral or bacterial for another 24 hours. Tameshia's one year old daughter, Alyssa, had been playing at Yolie's today since I couldn't take her to Atlanta with me. We are praying that Alyssa has not been exposed. Nor now CJ or Yolie.

Miss Emily, Lily and Tony's teacher, has bravely taken Lily, Tony and Jojo to Barnes & Noble to pick out books for their Christmas book exchange. I read the 3 of them the riot act this morning. They are a demanding threesome but Miss Emily can handle it as she's been teaching nearly 30 years, is a mom, and has had a couple of my other kids as well. My kids adore her in a big way.

Someone Needs Help

"A friend at church is a social worker in the AFLAC Children's Cancer Center at Scottish Rite. She has a 4 year old leukemia patient whose parents are from Guatemala. They don't speak Spanish or English. They speak an Indian dialect called "Conjabul."

I received this from a lady who reads my blog and I can't get it off my mind.

If anyone in the Atlanta area could help with this, please email me and I'll give you the contact info.

My Age & My Houseplants

Parade magazine's cover story was "Life Begins at 60". When I am 60 my youngest child will be 12 and my oldest child will be 41.

I ran into my principal from my last school and he was talking about having an empty nest next year. So will I ...around age 70 but the point, I suppose I need to get, is to stay healthy. The question was posed in this article, "What makes a person seem young?" and the answers included active, busy, energetic, and a positive attitude. So far so good. Less importantly ranked were appearance and mental alertness. Hmmm interesting.

I wish I could brag about a regular exercise program but that'd be lying. The busy part is easy.

I think that living with a herd of Bubbas also helps but that's just me. Their group effort at silliness this morning nearly made us late for school. CW decided to cook biscuits and Jose was up watching the news with me at 5:45 a.m. for some reason. Martin had to drag Jack out of bed and then there was the daily trauma drama that Lily invokes during hair brushing.

Sometimes, like an old lady, I can't sleep and food is starting to bore me to tears. Somedays eating is a chore for me, then I make up for it the next day. Wonder if I'll be that kind of old lady who gets 39 phone calls each day from grown kids reminding me to eat? The smell of the kid's cereal nearly makes me puke in the mornings as I swig down my bitter black coffee.

A family that I am working with is already 60 and still adopting special needs babies. I so admire them. But, for me, this year coming up will be the year that I end a decade of babies, diapers, sippy cups, and baby wipes. I'm ready to not live with the babies and to just to enjoy my grandbabies. Yesterday I was with Ray, CJ and Alexander. I saw Tommy the day before, that;s how it should be for me and I truly enjoy these delightful grandchildren...this after raising three grandbabies now ages 5,8 and 9.



My other plan for enjoying the second half of my life involves my gardens. In this month's House & Garden there is an article about new houseplants but what got me was the subtitle, " After decades of being out of fashion, indoor plants are back among a fresh crop of gardeners."

What? I've been out of fashion for decades and didn't even know it? I've lived with houseplants since around 1970 when my friend, Dottie, introduced me to inside window gardening with macrame hangers and spider plants. I'm not a fresh gardener anymore? What's the cutoff age?

I'll Take The Little Ones

This is Cristy's power haircut. It is a new style and makes her feel large and in charge. Behind her, on the wall, are some school pictures. One of which is Edgar's 8th grade picture when I was the media specialist in his school. The principal called me to the office to show me the picture, figuring I'd be mad as a hornet. He realized he'd mis-figured me as I busted out laughing. Do my children come to me being goofy or do they turn out that way after living with me for several years? An age old question.

Looking at adoption photolistings often inspires the unhelpful and the misinformed to quip. "I'll take the little ones." Caseworkers hear that every day. There will be a picture of a sib group and caseworkers get phone calls, "I'll take the little ones," like these adoptive parents are doing the workers a favor? Well at least then they will have a home, such is the misguided thought behind the sword strike to all that is left of their family unit.

Is it a stretch to liken this to the days of slavery when families were spilt up? What are we, as a society, thinking?

Cristy was a terribly difficult child to raise and I would have been tempted myself to not adopt her had I been given the choice. Several years later I would have been all the more tempted to disrupt had anyone supported me in that. One look from my then caseworker, Emily, was all it took to shut me up. A huge look of disapproval did the job as I lamely whined about all the damage Cristy had done and was doing to us.

Deysi was a 12 year old when I also adopted her 10 and 7 year old sisters. Imagining my life without Yolie is impossible, she was the 'older"one then with her two young cute brothers. Jesse, then 12, and Edgar, also 12, came with their respective sibling groups containing young, cute brothers and sisters.

I know I harp on this issue. But if I am going to be involved with other adoptive families I need to make this one thing clear. Siblings belong together. Period. I don't even buy the theory regarding sexually acting out children needing to be separated. What? They need therapy not punishment. They weren't born acting like this, they were taught this by sick adults, and emotionally healthy adults now need to help these victims learn to live normally before more victims are created.

The first picture I saw of Javy and Jose and their 4 other siblings depicted Jose sticking his tongue out angrily at the camera. A challenge...adopt me if you're nuts. Well, OK, was my first thought. I'm game. He was a heavily medicated (Remeron, Tegretol 4X a day and Risperadol 4X a day, 1 & 1/2 tabs) LOC 3 child at the time raging all over El Paso, getting kicked out of school in the first grade. It would have appeared to be a much easier solution to cull him and older brother Javy away from their group thus leaving a 4,5 and 6 year old. But I know from experience that the 4,5 and 6 year olds would have been beside themselves with grief and, most likely, would not have recovered emotionally.

I have a friend in the adoption world who recently made it very clear to a caseworker that she would not participate in splitting up a sib group. In this case, an older child was refusing to be adopted. My friend was smart enough to smell the problems that she knew would then occur. If she'd adopted the remaining 3, they'd have resented her forever for splitting them up. If I remember correctly that same group earlier had faced being split up by a foster parent who only wanted the little one. Again, my friend refused to be involved. I admire that as she has waited another 6 months trying to adopt and keep a sib group of 5 together.

Adoption isn't easy anway, why make it harder for everyone by splitting up a sibling group?

Something Nice

I'm trying to think of something nice to blog. Yes, after school we did get their reading done but homework is like pulling teeth. After they've been cooped up all day in school it is dogfight. Especially for some kids who truly aren't college material.

When I first started adopting I was certain that I, a certified schoolteacher with a degree in elementary education, could really make something out of my children in the academic realm. Well I was wrong.

I have had a good number of children go on and graduate from college, some to at least begin college, and some more are now nearly finished with the university. But then I have others who don't understand the relationship between paper and pencil and that big building in which they spend 7 hours in each day. Duh y'all it is a school. Try and learn something.

Follow directions??? Get real. They take out their worksheets for homework and act as baffled as if the high school had accidently swooped through the third grade and given out calculus assignments in Latin.

It's not just school. I had cleaned the living room perfectly and Jojo is incapable of not dropping whatever he is holding at any given time right where I just swept. A yogurt lid or a marble or what-have-you that he forgot he was holding and didn't noticed that he'd dropped. During the 30 minutes reading time I see 13 children pull off 26 socks, wad them up, and scatter the 26 shoes before they've finished t,he first page. Something about being at home makes them pull off shirts, ball them up and toss across the room at someone's head.

My sweet friend, Claudia, sent us three of her IMACS that they weren't using and the Bubbas were on the phone calling Daniel's cell begging him to come home and set everything up. Daniel was at an all day study session for his Biology exam and came home in the evening since Macs beat Biology in his mind any day of the week,

The kids lose their nintendo or computer time when they misbehave but I'm going to start making them earn their 30 minute allotments by picking up their own stinky socks and shoes. Three years ago when I left the work world I was so grateful to be home all day that I started doing all the housework...which would be fine and dandy IF they didn't work ten times harder each day to undo what I've done.

Two Weeks

In just two more short weeks this Holiday season will be fun for us as a family, the minute we get past Christmas the anxieties will subside.

I went to Joey and Mayra's Christmas Program last night at the civic center amidst a chorus of my church friends remarking, "well look who's out in the night time."

It was a really nice event with desserts served while we watched the program. Edgar, Miriam, Vanessa and the rest of the youth group were waiters. Miss Lisa made a cake that made this entire month worthwhile for me. From scratch she made several hundred beautifully and individually iced pound cakes that looked like presents. From the first bite I was a goner.

Fabian was my date and Grandma kept the little kids busy at home with her playing Rummicubes.

I got to sit with Miss Regina and her family. She is hilarious and I was entertained the entire time. I met Edgar's girlfriend's mother and she pointed out that we'd met about 25 years ago through another friend. Believe it or not, the lights came on in my feeble mind and it all came back to me. This being in my 50s isn't totally taking away my brain cells. Heck, I have the kids for that.

Fabian has been fabulous all weekend and I'd gotten permission to keep him with us for Sunday night so I need to get him back to school there this morning by 8:30 after I get the other 24 darlings out the door by 7:30. Piece of cake.

Knock on Wood...

I know from experience that I am only inviting trouble to make this remark but sometimes, often actually, I am just incapable of holding back a thought.

Fabian is very improved after four months at The Ranch. I know he's going to slip and slide emotionally but I am gratified at his progress. He simply was not making it at all in our family in spite of therapy, interventions, behavior modification, natural consequences...you name, I tried it, yet he continued on a downward emotional spiral for five years. He's cute as a button, athletic to the utmost, but visibly emotionally damaged.

Why him yet not Edgar? Why did Edgar trust me from the start? Maybe part of it was due to Edgar's relief at having someone to help him with his six younger siblings. Edgar had lost them several times before in the foster care system and his greatest fear was in losing them forever. Fabian, not being in a caretaking role, was more focused on his own needs that were not being met. Edgar seemed to have fewer needs at the time, so consumed was he in trying to take care of everyone. Edgar was emotionally attached to his siblings and Fabian made the mistake of attempting to attach to temporary caretakers thus breaking his heart several times in the process.

Same with Miriam and Vanessa. Miriam, like Edgar, was trying to protect and care for the younger kids. Vanessa never took on a caretaking role as Miriam had filled that position. Vanessa didn't necessarily attach to anyone, she'd been the brunt of her birthmother's rage, she'd learned her lesson about trusting anyone.

Now that Fabian only spends weekends with us, he is growing to appreciate and...trust us. He has wonderful houseparents, Shon and Lori, that I am very impressed with. They have two sons and they houseparent 5-7 more Fabian types. They physically and spiritually remind me of favorite youth pastors in their energy, love and obvious commitment to these tough kids. Fabian likes them a lot. I do too. They are insightful, prayerful and this is not a state facility, but a Christian one, and heart change is the key concept. I see Fabian's heart changing in a big way.

Miriam is very affectionate with Fabian now, months ago it was like hugging an angry porcupine to try and touch Fabian. Vanessa, less likely to express affection, provoked Fabian until he tackled her down. They wrestled all over the living room until they both felt better, certainly closer emotionally in a non-threatening manner. Both of them are guarded, yet needy. It is safe to say, with Vanessa watching me type, that the porcupine and angry yard dog sitting here with me are very similar in temperaments and issues, concealing a little resentment of Edgar and Miriam for not being actual parents. I think they should show more gratitude yet the real issue is that they then needed parents at the time, not young kids attempting their very best to be adults. When these 7 siblings moved in with me they were 12, 11, 10, 9, 6, 4, and 3.

The Bubbas treat Fabian like a returning hero each time they see him, falling all over each other in a bid for his attention. Fabian eats it up. The Bubbas are so uncomplicated in comparison.

I was told by their caseworker that these seven siblings were "a great group of kids with no real issues." True they did not present ODD, PTSD, etc at the time but I'd like to point out that issues often emerge later in adoption when the children start to feel safe enough to act out. These 7 still don't have major issues yet they have been a very trying group of children with deep unmet needs.

Warm Afternoons

Thank God for warm winter afternoons. I got the entire front bed cleared out of cleome stalks and added a thick layer of leaves that Sonny had brought home for me by the truckload. My guinea hens are getting big and have learned their loud screeching voice.

Edgar paid attention to Fabian all afternoon which charmed my wild little beast. They used the digital camera and made videos down at the creek and from a tree in the first meadow. This picture is of what we still call the second meadow although we let the trees grow up years ago.

The picture of the house was made from high up the sweet gum tree in the front meadow.

Deysi and her husband, Carlos plus their little baby, Alexander moved to the doublewide here today. Joey has been glued to Carlos all day. A brother-in-law is better than a brother as a brother knows you too well.

I've bathed 15 kids and gotten most of them in bed so I can now figure out how to put these little videos here.

Saturday Morning Wrestling Events

Edgar, wearing blue plaid pajama bottoms and an orange shirt, is infinitely patient and gentle while wrestling down the Bubbas this morning. Not so however with Fabian and Joey....

The three of them had to take it outside.

Providing Comfort

If I'd have known how adorable my grandchildren were going to be, I would have started adopting children in my 20s.

Being slow to mature, I was in my 30s, with a 14 year old birth daughter, before I adopted my first sibling group. I'm still immature, or goofy enough, to come absolutely unglued with laughter over some of the antics around here.

My oldest granddaughter will go in to middle school next year, the school I retired from actually, and I am still no more able to control bursts of giggles over gassy Bubbas than I would have been at age 5.

There was a sign in the 1980's at the school where I worked that read, "You don't have to be crazy to work here...but it helps." By the same token, you don't have to be goofy to live with so many silly boys...but it helps. Yes I am teaching them manners but I realize that formerly homeless children take time.

Audrey's blog that so upset me the other day illustrates this perfectly as there was no food in a house that had two children. No food. Never in my life have I had no food. We have a huge pantry stuffed with food and we have five refridgerators (3 working right now). Gito got terribly upset once years ago when we were down to two gallons of milk instead of our usual 6 on hand. He also used to show visitor our full pantry...with pride.

Food is one of the easiest forms of security for me to provide. The garden helps as well. They know with certainty that next year we will have blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, figs and strawberries. They can just go outside and eat. What an amazing concept to them. What I take for granted blows them away.

They get up each morning asking what's for supper that night.

Now that I am picking them up from school I park near the after-school program daycare vans. Tony watched the kids get in those vans and remarked somberly, "I'm glad you don't work." I don't WORK? What do you call taking care of all y'all? I could have retorted but why bother. All he sees is that I am always there for him...which he needs way more than a birth child. Yes, birth children need their parents but Tony, due to his earlier lack of a caretaker, needs constant reassurance, comfort and my physical presence.

I was driving to The Ranch yesterday afternoon with 8 of my kids to get Fabian so I wasn't home at 4pm when second load gets there. Grandma was babysitting I was home by 5 pm and 12 year old Javy hugged me and said, "I feel like I haven't seen you in a long, long time."

How does one resolve issues like that? I really don't think this fear of abandonment ever goes away, it will subside somewhat, but that gut-wrenching fear has scarred my kids deeply. Indeed when 19 year old Sonny gets off work or 20 year old Daniel comes in the door, I'll hear the usual question, "Where's Mom?"

We've had a lot of babies being born in the last decade and, each time, my children stare in amazement at a baby and often wonder aloud how they survived infancy with not a sober caretaker in sight? I wonder also. I know that they each barely survived physically, and I know that their emotional survival is on an on-going process that takes me committed to them in a very big way emotionally, physically and spiritually forever. Was that a big Duh, or what?

As I typed this earlier this morning, perched on the edge of the sofa, Edgar came downstairs with his blanket and crawled behind me to finish sleeping with his arm around me. I hadn't seen him all yesterday so he hadn't had his Mama time. He'll be 19 in March, no wonder my Bubbas need constant reassurance.

Sabrina's First Christmas

Sabrina put on two Christmas musical performances yesterday at 9:30 a.m. for the entire school and again at 7 p.m. for a packed house. I went to both shows and marveled at her composure. Again, like at our church musical, she had a small speaking part plus she sang in the chorus for every single song.

It was a cold, rainy night and sweet Edgar cranked the van and brought it to the schoolhouse door all warmed up for his sissy mom and siblings who can't take the cold. He, Joey and Mayra had gone with me to watch the six kids I had in that musical, in the morning Grandma, Pa, Sarah, Ray, Yolie, CJ, Lena, Tabby and Nando plus K-5 ages were all there. Sabrina certainly felt like she was emotionally and physically supported by our family in her performances this week.

Sabrina is not the one at my house raging over Christmas. This morning it was a group event. An 11 year old son wet his bed from stress, Jojo fussed for the entire get-ready-for- school hour in which we certainly need to use our time wisely.

Jonathan and Paloma melted down so heavily that they are both still home. The local board of education does not pay Miss Regina enough to deal with them. I'll take them to school if and when they calm down.

Early this morning I read Audrey's blog, I'd already read the little blurb in yesterday's newspaper and felt fairly sure Audrey had been involved in the fracas. It helps my perspective on my children to know stuff like this although I do apologize for directing people to a site with the F word. It had to be used in order to convey the scene though. This is just another example of where my children came from and, no wonder, the holidays are stressful...

Last night a lady told me that hanging around with us makes her want to adopt also. I told her I'd send her this blog addresss. It's not that I want to discourage anyone but I'd rather paint a realistic picture of adoption from the foster care system. In church we have several rows of seemingly well-behaved kids who certainly are good-looking. Last night at the musical Edgar and Joey were hovering protectively around me as usual but the reality is what you read in these posts.

Speaking of Edgars, I am thrilled that the Braves acquired Edgar Renteria since I was upset that we lost Furcal. I called Daniel's cell phone yesterday hollering about the loss of Julio Franco. In my upset state I swore I'd quit watching the Braves forever if Bobby Cox ever left at which Daniel helpfully declared, "Everyone would quit watching if Bobby Cox left."

I need something else in my life, besides my family, to get upset about apparently.